Today is my Birthday! And I just want to announce to everyone that I'm 24!! Ever since I started working this past one year, the fear of age catching up on me has been terrorising my mind (esp so because I suddenly lost a very significant goal in my life). But today I finally woke up feeling that I have nothing to be anxious about--life has just begun (esp when you've been working for a few months and you've can start rewarding yourself by buying little gifts for yourself)! I don't want to live in the fear of not being able to meet societal expectations, not being able to enjoy happiness as defined by society, not being able to achieve a certain level of excellence or success. Medical advancement has allowed us to add years to our lives, but the same progress in the world has robbed the life in our years. I want to live a happy life of service to God, of self-awareness and learning, and a life that makes a difference to many others out there! I want to love and be loved--to love and appreciate the little pleasures and treasures in life, to freely express and share the joy of God's love and goodness, and to see the glass half full and not half empty!!!
So I've decided to set some goals for myself:
#1. To finish a piano class.
#2. To stop binging! Going on a diet and hitting the gym again.
#3. To be a good Christian @ work--do my best in everything & learn as much as I can.
#4. To pick up a language (maybe basic Korean...so I don't have to read subtitles!)
#5. To travel the region and go for more mission trips.
#6. To go for the vocal classes, I've been putting off for so long.
#7. To take the initiative to ask friends out.
I know I won't be able to accomplish so many things within the next one year before I turn 25, with limited time and monnies...so....I'll be satisfied as long as I've made small steps to those goals. I'm going to learn to enjoy life and relinquish everything to God. I know He will provide the means to the path He wants me to walk on. I'm so glad I got Jesus in my life!
My birthday wish is that He'll bless my family and friends and that He'll help me to become a tent-maker wherever I am. Most of all, He'll help me to be obedient to His calling wherever, whatever.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
What is FREEDOM?
Read an interesting article in the Straits Times today. The author was describing how he had this compulsive habit of saying "White Rabbit" every single morning. It was some kind of tradition that he was inculcated with many years ago by his mother, when he was still very young. But this habit went on for years...and it became something he had to do. To him, freedom came when he finally managed to resist the urge to say it one fine morning--and subsequently thereafter. In a nutshell, freedom for him was removing a stubborn habit.
To me, FREEDOM means being free from the shackles of obsessions with worldly things--obsessing about eating and being fat, about whether I'll be disliked at work, whether I can excel in the things I do, etc. Worries and anxieties cripple and antagonise us; they draw us away from God's omnipotence and goodness. He will bring us through and enable us to weather whatever storms we face, as long as we remember that He is in control and of course obey and trust Him.
Freedom in the bible is obtained through believing and having a relationship with Christ. It was freedom (freedom from the yoke of slavery to sin) that Christ paid the price of dying on the cross of Calvary for us. It's a freedom hard earned; one that cannot be bought with anything in this world but a devotion towards and a willingness to serve God. Thank God that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to free us. We have liberty--we may sin but we can repent and be forgiven.
Praise God!
I want to keep myself from falling deep into the well of worries. I want confidence in Christ to see me through the troubles and challenges life brings. Amen!
Read an interesting article in the Straits Times today. The author was describing how he had this compulsive habit of saying "White Rabbit" every single morning. It was some kind of tradition that he was inculcated with many years ago by his mother, when he was still very young. But this habit went on for years...and it became something he had to do. To him, freedom came when he finally managed to resist the urge to say it one fine morning--and subsequently thereafter. In a nutshell, freedom for him was removing a stubborn habit.
To me, FREEDOM means being free from the shackles of obsessions with worldly things--obsessing about eating and being fat, about whether I'll be disliked at work, whether I can excel in the things I do, etc. Worries and anxieties cripple and antagonise us; they draw us away from God's omnipotence and goodness. He will bring us through and enable us to weather whatever storms we face, as long as we remember that He is in control and of course obey and trust Him.
Freedom in the bible is obtained through believing and having a relationship with Christ. It was freedom (freedom from the yoke of slavery to sin) that Christ paid the price of dying on the cross of Calvary for us. It's a freedom hard earned; one that cannot be bought with anything in this world but a devotion towards and a willingness to serve God. Thank God that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to free us. We have liberty--we may sin but we can repent and be forgiven.
Praise God!
I want to keep myself from falling deep into the well of worries. I want confidence in Christ to see me through the troubles and challenges life brings. Amen!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Today was a wonderful day in my life! I would really want to remember this day because so many things that mean so much to me took place.
I woke up with apprehension because I didn't know whether I should go for this AGMI (Action Group for Mental Illness) Walkathon held in the afternoon. I was uncertain whether I should skip Youth Service to go for it (have to be careful to examine my intentions--dun wanna use other "legitimate" reasons to miss service). I prayed about it during my QT in the morning and committed it to God. I really wanted a peace of mind if I truly decided to go for it. So I left it to God to let things flow naturally and eventually I went there with a peace of mind.
I enjoyed main service praise and worship tremendously. I really felt God's presence as we sang those songs. The sermon spoke to me also. Today Pastor preached on "Peace" and I really learnt a lot from it--esp the fact that the night before my parents were a little upset over dinner. The three main messages were: (1) Peacemakers themselves are at peace with God; (2) Peacemakers make it their top priority to reconcile people to God; and (3) Peacemakers go to the root of the problem not just the symptoms. Essentially, Pastor said that one of the greatest marks of spiritual maturity was the ability to make peace, and that we're called to be peace agents in this world. I thought that was a remarkable truth. Peace is not only a sign of maturity, it is also a measure of humility--being able to be others-serving rather than self-serving; able to put down your own pride and bear with the discomfort of talking things through rather than sweeping it under the carpet.
Spoke to Anna after service and was greatly blessed by our conversation. I shared with her my desire to pick up skills to serve God in the mission field, or use my professional training as a platform to help people as a form of service unto Him. Was blessed tremendously by her encouragement. Also got to tell Pastor how much I've been learning from his sermons and how today's sermon spoke to me. I feel very enriched when I hear the Word of God preached through him. It's so practical and yet so fundamental. It stimulates me to think about what I can do for God, and also helps me question the way I want to live my life, to perform in the workplace, and basically my values and beliefs system. Managed to catch up with Heidi and Wendy too. It feels so good being able to share and listen to people who share the same spiritual values, beliefs and goals as you. That's really true fellowship--it feels so spiritually renewing, encouraging and recharging to converse with fellow believers.
After that, I went to the Walkathon at Orchard--it's to raise public awareness on the stigma against those with mental illness and to debunk some of the myths against PMI (Persons with Mental Illness). Got my goodie bag and a whole lot of brochures on mental health awareness. Got my nice, cool t-shirt with a silver ribbon. Really enjoyed the performances a lot--the skit moved me to tears but I tried my best to hold them back. Really made me feel for people who suffer from mental illness. The testimonies and the passion I saw really touched me, and I'm glad that people are actually advocating for PMIs. I would really hope to contribute in this area too. Got to meet some very distinguished psychiatrists as well so I felt honoured. But most of all I admired the courage displayed by the PMIs performing onstage. The walk was leisurely and I had fun chatting with friends along the way. Ate my Swenson's ice-cream too!
After that I rushed home to meet my parents. We were going to the Columbarium with my Aunties and Uncles to "visit" my grandpa and grandma. Really wanted to be there with my family so I rushed home as fast as possible. We went to the columbarium and later on went for dinner at Tanah Merah Country Club. Food was great and paid for (out of my uncle's generosity). I enjoyed catching up with my cousin so much. I felt that instant connection and I really hope that our family would always stay intact and so close-knitted. At the end of the day, I realise that family matters so much to me and I really hope we keep the traditions going. I'm so proud of my own heritage! And I'm so grateful for my parents and my extended family. What I am most happy with myself today was I finally plucked up the courage to tell my dad I loved him. I said it to him directly and that was what I was most pleased with myself today. Praise God!
I woke up with apprehension because I didn't know whether I should go for this AGMI (Action Group for Mental Illness) Walkathon held in the afternoon. I was uncertain whether I should skip Youth Service to go for it (have to be careful to examine my intentions--dun wanna use other "legitimate" reasons to miss service). I prayed about it during my QT in the morning and committed it to God. I really wanted a peace of mind if I truly decided to go for it. So I left it to God to let things flow naturally and eventually I went there with a peace of mind.
I enjoyed main service praise and worship tremendously. I really felt God's presence as we sang those songs. The sermon spoke to me also. Today Pastor preached on "Peace" and I really learnt a lot from it--esp the fact that the night before my parents were a little upset over dinner. The three main messages were: (1) Peacemakers themselves are at peace with God; (2) Peacemakers make it their top priority to reconcile people to God; and (3) Peacemakers go to the root of the problem not just the symptoms. Essentially, Pastor said that one of the greatest marks of spiritual maturity was the ability to make peace, and that we're called to be peace agents in this world. I thought that was a remarkable truth. Peace is not only a sign of maturity, it is also a measure of humility--being able to be others-serving rather than self-serving; able to put down your own pride and bear with the discomfort of talking things through rather than sweeping it under the carpet.
Spoke to Anna after service and was greatly blessed by our conversation. I shared with her my desire to pick up skills to serve God in the mission field, or use my professional training as a platform to help people as a form of service unto Him. Was blessed tremendously by her encouragement. Also got to tell Pastor how much I've been learning from his sermons and how today's sermon spoke to me. I feel very enriched when I hear the Word of God preached through him. It's so practical and yet so fundamental. It stimulates me to think about what I can do for God, and also helps me question the way I want to live my life, to perform in the workplace, and basically my values and beliefs system. Managed to catch up with Heidi and Wendy too. It feels so good being able to share and listen to people who share the same spiritual values, beliefs and goals as you. That's really true fellowship--it feels so spiritually renewing, encouraging and recharging to converse with fellow believers.
After that, I went to the Walkathon at Orchard--it's to raise public awareness on the stigma against those with mental illness and to debunk some of the myths against PMI (Persons with Mental Illness). Got my goodie bag and a whole lot of brochures on mental health awareness. Got my nice, cool t-shirt with a silver ribbon. Really enjoyed the performances a lot--the skit moved me to tears but I tried my best to hold them back. Really made me feel for people who suffer from mental illness. The testimonies and the passion I saw really touched me, and I'm glad that people are actually advocating for PMIs. I would really hope to contribute in this area too. Got to meet some very distinguished psychiatrists as well so I felt honoured. But most of all I admired the courage displayed by the PMIs performing onstage. The walk was leisurely and I had fun chatting with friends along the way. Ate my Swenson's ice-cream too!
After that I rushed home to meet my parents. We were going to the Columbarium with my Aunties and Uncles to "visit" my grandpa and grandma. Really wanted to be there with my family so I rushed home as fast as possible. We went to the columbarium and later on went for dinner at Tanah Merah Country Club. Food was great and paid for (out of my uncle's generosity). I enjoyed catching up with my cousin so much. I felt that instant connection and I really hope that our family would always stay intact and so close-knitted. At the end of the day, I realise that family matters so much to me and I really hope we keep the traditions going. I'm so proud of my own heritage! And I'm so grateful for my parents and my extended family. What I am most happy with myself today was I finally plucked up the courage to tell my dad I loved him. I said it to him directly and that was what I was most pleased with myself today. Praise God!
Monday, October 02, 2006
Just finished watching "Cast Away" (2000) with my parents. Fantastic show with an excellent plot and brilliant actor (Tom Hanks as Chuck Norris, a Fed Ex agent who gets lost on a deserted island when his airplane crashes into the ocean). There were several learning points from the psych angle:
1. Companionship--fundamental need for affiliation. Wilson was his only companion on the island whom he communicated with. Besides, displaying this need, there was one particular scene where he "argued" with Wilson, which showed the inner conversation that goes back forth back forth in our minds when we are angry with ourselves--the struggle between the ought or ideal self with the real self that seeks to rationalise and justify the deed done.
2. Purpose--sense of purpose or having a goal can keep one alive. Without the antique pocket clock with the picture of Helent Hunt, he would have perished. He knew he had to stay alive to realise that possibility of making it back to main land.
3. Resiliency--the human spirit can be so strong and yet so vulnerable at times. Having being put in such a situation, he had to rise up to the occasion and pick up survival skills. He had to adopt an active problem-solving approach to deal with that circumstance. When he finally got back home, it was an emotion-focused approach, having to deal with loss--of time and of a loved one. He had to ventilate his emotions and feelings to someone. Definitely need CISM man...
Memorable quote from the movie that Tom Hanks said towards its end:
"I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"
1. Companionship--fundamental need for affiliation. Wilson was his only companion on the island whom he communicated with. Besides, displaying this need, there was one particular scene where he "argued" with Wilson, which showed the inner conversation that goes back forth back forth in our minds when we are angry with ourselves--the struggle between the ought or ideal self with the real self that seeks to rationalise and justify the deed done.
2. Purpose--sense of purpose or having a goal can keep one alive. Without the antique pocket clock with the picture of Helent Hunt, he would have perished. He knew he had to stay alive to realise that possibility of making it back to main land.
3. Resiliency--the human spirit can be so strong and yet so vulnerable at times. Having being put in such a situation, he had to rise up to the occasion and pick up survival skills. He had to adopt an active problem-solving approach to deal with that circumstance. When he finally got back home, it was an emotion-focused approach, having to deal with loss--of time and of a loved one. He had to ventilate his emotions and feelings to someone. Definitely need CISM man...
Memorable quote from the movie that Tom Hanks said towards its end:
"I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"
Finished watching my second korean drama, Goong...PRINCESS HOURS. Really kept me glued to the screen for a whole week! It's the latest teen idol drama that's going to be showed on Channel U. Gosh, I feel so old watching but it's super nice!!! Anyways, I'd probably catch some episodes on TV even though I've completed the series. It's the story of a modern-day Cinderalla, a civilian school girl who becomes a Princess overnight when she marries the Crown Prince of Korea. Romance blossoms between the wacky gal and cool prince, and the eventually fall in love. Through her, he discovers a whole new perspective to life. Like the twists and turns in the story; the romance part (Awww....so cute); the music's awesome (went to buy the soundtrack today); the setting's fabulous; it really rouses all kinds of emotions and sets you on a rollercoaster ride-- you hate this person, pity that person, irritated with circumstances (how come the characters always miss out hearing certain things or catch others at the wrong time), etc. Hai...such things only happen in fairy tales...sweet sweet love...oh I'm such a junkie for such. Catch it ya on channel U every weekday night @ 7 p.m.--doing free promo for them. Picture above: (clockwise from top left) Lee Shin, the Crown Prince; Lee Yul, the Crown Prince's cousin; Min Hyo Rin (Crown Prince's former girlfriend); Shin Chae Gyung (Commoner bethrothed to Shin and becomes the Crown Princess).
Saturday, September 23, 2006
"Out of sight, out of mind" vs.
"Absense makes the heart grow fonder"?
Hmm...not too sure what to blog about today...but I really wanna make a new entry. Humans are a fascinating lot aren't we? Is it possible to be so madly in love with someone in the past, but have absolutely no feelings whatsoever anymore? Been watching "My Name is Kim Sam Soon"... gonna complete the whole series soon. It's really funny and cute, but what intrigued me was how Jin Hun, the male lead, could suddenly regain his feelings for his first love and then the next moment realises that he had fallen in love with Sam Soon. Perhaps it's like what my colleague said, when Hee Jin (the first love whom I think is really pretty, charming and fun) came back after leaving for the States for three years without any phone call whatsoever, all the memories came back to Jin Hun and he thought and assumed that he still loved her...or apparently so. Subsequently, he realised that the one he really liked was Sam Soon. After thinking about what my colleague hypothesised and reflecting on it, I guess it's possible. You can be so attached to someone in the past, but absence does not make the heart grow fonder, human feelings are not like God's love for us--constant and everlasting--they waver...they can fade. Memories no matter how strong they are can only trigger nostalgia, but they can be buried deep in the heart and never resurface to see the light again. We're all so spoilt for novelty. Check out the Straits Times and you'll see tons of adverts promoting different sorts of mooncakes--healthy ones w/ strawberry yoghurt and muesli, local faves like chempedek and durian, ice-cream-filled ones like sticky choc and old fashioned vanilla. Sometimes when you know someone so well, spending time with that person becomes so predictable and in worse situations, boring. Are all romantic relationships bound for that outcome? Maybe that's why relationship experts always suggest that couples occasionally inject some novelty (I mean new activities...don't think 'crooked' please) into their relationship by doing something different. Relationships require effort...."out of sight, out of mind"...especially when there are other fun stuff keeping you occupied. Am I adopting a very morbid outlook toward relationships? Anyways, one thing for sure is that some human relationships can be very circumstantial--ammenable to change by situational factors--but God will never sever ties with us. He's unchanging and His unceasing love endures forever. Whatever it is, relationships require effort, be it human or divine. With God, we need to seek Him daily in our quiet time, praise and worship at church, through good times, through trials and tribulation...With humans, it's spending time together and expressing our affection for each other through words and actions. As long as God is in the picture, He can be the cement between the couple and seal their relationship as one. Obedience to God is the essence to a lasting romantic relationshipbetween a Christian couple. Well, going to finish watching the Korean drama serial...the first ever I've completed...really like it. Am a 'Sam Soon' fan now--she's simply hillarious!
"Absense makes the heart grow fonder"?
Hmm...not too sure what to blog about today...but I really wanna make a new entry. Humans are a fascinating lot aren't we? Is it possible to be so madly in love with someone in the past, but have absolutely no feelings whatsoever anymore? Been watching "My Name is Kim Sam Soon"... gonna complete the whole series soon. It's really funny and cute, but what intrigued me was how Jin Hun, the male lead, could suddenly regain his feelings for his first love and then the next moment realises that he had fallen in love with Sam Soon. Perhaps it's like what my colleague said, when Hee Jin (the first love whom I think is really pretty, charming and fun) came back after leaving for the States for three years without any phone call whatsoever, all the memories came back to Jin Hun and he thought and assumed that he still loved her...or apparently so. Subsequently, he realised that the one he really liked was Sam Soon. After thinking about what my colleague hypothesised and reflecting on it, I guess it's possible. You can be so attached to someone in the past, but absence does not make the heart grow fonder, human feelings are not like God's love for us--constant and everlasting--they waver...they can fade. Memories no matter how strong they are can only trigger nostalgia, but they can be buried deep in the heart and never resurface to see the light again. We're all so spoilt for novelty. Check out the Straits Times and you'll see tons of adverts promoting different sorts of mooncakes--healthy ones w/ strawberry yoghurt and muesli, local faves like chempedek and durian, ice-cream-filled ones like sticky choc and old fashioned vanilla. Sometimes when you know someone so well, spending time with that person becomes so predictable and in worse situations, boring. Are all romantic relationships bound for that outcome? Maybe that's why relationship experts always suggest that couples occasionally inject some novelty (I mean new activities...don't think 'crooked' please) into their relationship by doing something different. Relationships require effort...."out of sight, out of mind"...especially when there are other fun stuff keeping you occupied. Am I adopting a very morbid outlook toward relationships? Anyways, one thing for sure is that some human relationships can be very circumstantial--ammenable to change by situational factors--but God will never sever ties with us. He's unchanging and His unceasing love endures forever. Whatever it is, relationships require effort, be it human or divine. With God, we need to seek Him daily in our quiet time, praise and worship at church, through good times, through trials and tribulation...With humans, it's spending time together and expressing our affection for each other through words and actions. As long as God is in the picture, He can be the cement between the couple and seal their relationship as one. Obedience to God is the essence to a lasting romantic relationshipbetween a Christian couple. Well, going to finish watching the Korean drama serial...the first ever I've completed...really like it. Am a 'Sam Soon' fan now--she's simply hillarious!
Monday, September 18, 2006
Confessions of an OBSESSIVE Foodie
I'm driving myself crazy with my eating habits! And when I mean 'crazy', I refer to 'paranoia', 'obsessive', 'depression' and 'anxiety'--pre-onset symptoms of psychological dysfunction. No exaggerations. This is a cry for help; a signal of distress; an SOS call! Funny thing is I have this unusual calm on the exterior, but an uncontrollable emotional tug-of-war raging in my mind that transmits guilt impulses throughout my entire system. It's spawning into some kind of learned helplessness (it began as something that I felt I was in full control of--that I could adjust my eating habits and diet anytime, and go back to the old school where discipline reigned and char kuay teow didn't matter--I mean this figuratively, not exactly a die-hard fan of the 'delicacy'). Help, Lord!
Everything seems to be working against me: the ongoing International Makan Festival seems to dole out food by the min; the stash at my house keeps crying out to me; and the lust for food extends to the marketplace--the best hokkien mee, Japanese novelty desserts, Chendol ice-cream, mee siam (mai hum), etc...I miss the days when tuna in a can was so gratifying and slices of softmeal were heavenly. Now, my palates are being spoilt for choice and being tantalised everyday. My fridge gets frequent visits and the screws attached to the cupboard doors in my kitchen are loosening each day. My stomach is a Black Hole!
Guilt sets in and spurs me on to run more and more every week. Then confusion sets in and I don't know whether my increased appetite is due to the rise in metabolism or pure gluttony. And I ask myself when can I fit into my two pairs of jeans that I cannot buckle anymore when I put them on now (three actually, haven't tried my skinny jeans which are so 'in' now but I lack the courage to take that stab). My booty's going to match J Lo's soon--sad to say I don't have her tiny waist and killer curves.
I need help...I need to keep to my word (I've been telling myself to diet for weeks now--strictly speaking I am on one...a sinful carbs and sugar-ladan diet!). I want to have balance in my life. Not turn vegan or become a 'Kate Moss'--or in Sing context a "Pat Mok"! I just want to be slim again and not stumpy lil' Dopey from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (and defintely not dress like him too...to conceal the unsightly flab!) Yikes, my dad just called me "bak bak(4)". There was this recent article in the Life section about this guy who was dissing girls who pecked at their food and counted calories religiously (I used to be like that and of course slimmer, not too sure whether happier though). No, I don't want to be a guy detractor!
Nowadays I enjoy my food tremendously (feel liberated after my 'breaking of fast' of 'sinful' food). The shiokness spells it all on my face and I guess people around me are amazed initially by the immense gratification I display, but even more stunned by my humongous appetite for a 'still' petite and tiny-framed gal. Been getting more signs that I need to take drastic action about my diet--among them was "shou(4) shen(1) nan(2) nu(3)" on Channel U yesterday starring Andy Lau and Sammie Cheng who were trying to desperately lose weight. Looking at the mirror's becoming as dreadful as seeing my report card after a lousy lit paper. That's why my back's been suffering cos' of the killer heels I've been wearing to deceive myself of my stumpiness.
My new role-model is Drew Barrymore. It always amazes me how she manages to survive in an industry where stockiness is valued and just a inch of flab bulging from your stomach is captured and ridiculed at in the 'un-glam' section of People magazine. She's so comfortable being in her own skin (wanted to quote something she said that was featured in "Her World" but can't recall the exact words...something about rather being fat than not eat properly). Really admire that. Below are some other quotes from her that I quite like. Find her remarkable also because she had survived drugs and depression, with a wonderfully positive attitude and zest for life.
Gotta start praying for discipline and for food to not govern my life anymore. Sometimes I feel that I'm just filling the emptiness in my life with food. I hate that! I want it back to the way it was before, when calories didn't matter and hunger pangs didn't torment me. Help, Lord. I need Your divine hand in this. My mind has no rein over my desires anymore. Take control and rid me of this horrible 'idol' I need to cease kow-towing to. Help Lord. This is my cry of desperation and plea. I don't want to be a slave to my taste buds anymore. Take control, take the wheel and steer me out of this obsession. Thank you Lord. I put my faith in You alone. Help me not to take things into my own hands but rely on Your strength and wisdom. Praise be to You alone, Amen.
Drew Barrymore quotes:
1. God made a very obvious choice when he made me voluptuous; why would I go against what he decided for me? My limbs work, so I'm not going to complain about the way my body is shaped. Drew Barrymore
2. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I think it's important to seek out that reason - that's how we learn. Drew Barrymore
3. I don't want to be stinky poo poo girl, I want to be happy flower child.
4. I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end. Drew Barrymore
5. I never want to get to the point where it's all about my needs, and the hell with anybody else. Drew Barrymore
6. I understand there are inevitable things that we have to go through: heartbreak, famly problems. I don't feel like some quixotic idiot who says, 'We don't have to feel pain.' No! Let's feel it, let's make it work for ourselves. But I want us all to be able to get past it. Drew Barrymore
7. I used to look in the mirror and feel shame, I look in the mirror now and I absolutely love myself. Drew Barrymore
8. I want people to be blown away when I do what they don't expect. Drew Barrymore
9. It's only through listening that you learn, and I never want to stop learning. Drew Barrymore Kisses, even to the air, are beautiful. Drew Barrymore
10. Life is very interesting... in the end, some of your greatest pains, become your greatest strengths. Drew Barrymore
11. My whole life, I've wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. It's the most liberating thing in the world. Drew Barrymore
12. There's something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk. Drew Barrymore
13. When things are perfect, that's when you need to worry most. Drew Barrymore
14. When you've been locked up in a mental institution, people are going to ask questions. It was OK, because I didn't have to act perfect all the time. Drew Barrymore
15. You've just got to do the best that you can. Drew Barrymore
I'm driving myself crazy with my eating habits! And when I mean 'crazy', I refer to 'paranoia', 'obsessive', 'depression' and 'anxiety'--pre-onset symptoms of psychological dysfunction. No exaggerations. This is a cry for help; a signal of distress; an SOS call! Funny thing is I have this unusual calm on the exterior, but an uncontrollable emotional tug-of-war raging in my mind that transmits guilt impulses throughout my entire system. It's spawning into some kind of learned helplessness (it began as something that I felt I was in full control of--that I could adjust my eating habits and diet anytime, and go back to the old school where discipline reigned and char kuay teow didn't matter--I mean this figuratively, not exactly a die-hard fan of the 'delicacy'). Help, Lord!
Everything seems to be working against me: the ongoing International Makan Festival seems to dole out food by the min; the stash at my house keeps crying out to me; and the lust for food extends to the marketplace--the best hokkien mee, Japanese novelty desserts, Chendol ice-cream, mee siam (mai hum), etc...I miss the days when tuna in a can was so gratifying and slices of softmeal were heavenly. Now, my palates are being spoilt for choice and being tantalised everyday. My fridge gets frequent visits and the screws attached to the cupboard doors in my kitchen are loosening each day. My stomach is a Black Hole!
Guilt sets in and spurs me on to run more and more every week. Then confusion sets in and I don't know whether my increased appetite is due to the rise in metabolism or pure gluttony. And I ask myself when can I fit into my two pairs of jeans that I cannot buckle anymore when I put them on now (three actually, haven't tried my skinny jeans which are so 'in' now but I lack the courage to take that stab). My booty's going to match J Lo's soon--sad to say I don't have her tiny waist and killer curves.
I need help...I need to keep to my word (I've been telling myself to diet for weeks now--strictly speaking I am on one...a sinful carbs and sugar-ladan diet!). I want to have balance in my life. Not turn vegan or become a 'Kate Moss'--or in Sing context a "Pat Mok"! I just want to be slim again and not stumpy lil' Dopey from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (and defintely not dress like him too...to conceal the unsightly flab!) Yikes, my dad just called me "bak bak(4)". There was this recent article in the Life section about this guy who was dissing girls who pecked at their food and counted calories religiously (I used to be like that and of course slimmer, not too sure whether happier though). No, I don't want to be a guy detractor!
Nowadays I enjoy my food tremendously (feel liberated after my 'breaking of fast' of 'sinful' food). The shiokness spells it all on my face and I guess people around me are amazed initially by the immense gratification I display, but even more stunned by my humongous appetite for a 'still' petite and tiny-framed gal. Been getting more signs that I need to take drastic action about my diet--among them was "shou(4) shen(1) nan(2) nu(3)" on Channel U yesterday starring Andy Lau and Sammie Cheng who were trying to desperately lose weight. Looking at the mirror's becoming as dreadful as seeing my report card after a lousy lit paper. That's why my back's been suffering cos' of the killer heels I've been wearing to deceive myself of my stumpiness.
My new role-model is Drew Barrymore. It always amazes me how she manages to survive in an industry where stockiness is valued and just a inch of flab bulging from your stomach is captured and ridiculed at in the 'un-glam' section of People magazine. She's so comfortable being in her own skin (wanted to quote something she said that was featured in "Her World" but can't recall the exact words...something about rather being fat than not eat properly). Really admire that. Below are some other quotes from her that I quite like. Find her remarkable also because she had survived drugs and depression, with a wonderfully positive attitude and zest for life.
Gotta start praying for discipline and for food to not govern my life anymore. Sometimes I feel that I'm just filling the emptiness in my life with food. I hate that! I want it back to the way it was before, when calories didn't matter and hunger pangs didn't torment me. Help, Lord. I need Your divine hand in this. My mind has no rein over my desires anymore. Take control and rid me of this horrible 'idol' I need to cease kow-towing to. Help Lord. This is my cry of desperation and plea. I don't want to be a slave to my taste buds anymore. Take control, take the wheel and steer me out of this obsession. Thank you Lord. I put my faith in You alone. Help me not to take things into my own hands but rely on Your strength and wisdom. Praise be to You alone, Amen.
Drew Barrymore quotes:
1. God made a very obvious choice when he made me voluptuous; why would I go against what he decided for me? My limbs work, so I'm not going to complain about the way my body is shaped. Drew Barrymore
2. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I think it's important to seek out that reason - that's how we learn. Drew Barrymore
3. I don't want to be stinky poo poo girl, I want to be happy flower child.
4. I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end. Drew Barrymore
5. I never want to get to the point where it's all about my needs, and the hell with anybody else. Drew Barrymore
6. I understand there are inevitable things that we have to go through: heartbreak, famly problems. I don't feel like some quixotic idiot who says, 'We don't have to feel pain.' No! Let's feel it, let's make it work for ourselves. But I want us all to be able to get past it. Drew Barrymore
7. I used to look in the mirror and feel shame, I look in the mirror now and I absolutely love myself. Drew Barrymore
8. I want people to be blown away when I do what they don't expect. Drew Barrymore
9. It's only through listening that you learn, and I never want to stop learning. Drew Barrymore Kisses, even to the air, are beautiful. Drew Barrymore
10. Life is very interesting... in the end, some of your greatest pains, become your greatest strengths. Drew Barrymore
11. My whole life, I've wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. It's the most liberating thing in the world. Drew Barrymore
12. There's something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk. Drew Barrymore
13. When things are perfect, that's when you need to worry most. Drew Barrymore
14. When you've been locked up in a mental institution, people are going to ask questions. It was OK, because I didn't have to act perfect all the time. Drew Barrymore
15. You've just got to do the best that you can. Drew Barrymore
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