The last straw...

You must be thinking that this gal is on a roll. Fancy posting so many blog entries in the span of this week. Well, I guess I would say I'm inspired or rather I've been mulling over many many deep issues these days. Actually, let me correct that. I ponder over deep issues all the time but these days my emotions have just been running. It is after all the time of the month (Whoa! that's way too much info, yah!). You know, they say that people are the most creative when emotions run high. Perhaps that's the reason why I used to become especially sharp about the tiniest of details whenever I got into a lovers spat. Think Beethoven who composed and Van Gogh who created exceptional art pieces in their melancholic states. At the other end of the spectrum, research has also demonstrated a positive relationship between subjective well-being (or simply happiness) and creativity. 

The other reason? Guess it's probably because my days in Singapore are numbered and I've been meeting up with friends and chatting about issues that are more than surface-level. Enjoying some fellowship has made me spiritually charged as well. So I just feel so motivated to blog. 

So what is the motivation behind the current entry? "The last straw"? Is it some secret code or something? Some inspirational, illustrative tale about drinking straws? Well, not exactly. Though I'm sure some of you will certainly catch it straightaway. On the other hand, those people whom I believe will know what I'm referring to may not tune in to my humble blog (Shame on you! :)) Ok 'nuff said. I'm just going in circles and confusing you. According to thefreedictionary.com, the last straw is "the last in a series of unpleasant events which finally makes you feel that you cannot continue to accept a bad situation". It comes from an Arabic story, where a camel was loaded with straw until a single straw placed on the rest of the load broke its back. So I'm now facing my last straw in relation to something (technically, I had faced it and moved on already but there were somethings that remained undone). 

I'm a man on a mission tomorrow (when I say "man", it really means "woman" k? "Man on a mission" just sounds more catchy!). I've faced my last straw and I'm going to act on it. That means speaking face-to-face with someone. And that's really hard. Have you been in a situation like that? Where you know you need to let someone know something and you know it's definitely not what the other party wants to hear? It really takes a lot of courage and a lot of effort on my part because I'm definitely not one who likes to break the bad news or be the "bad guy". In fact, I failed my mission last week. I was not prepared and I set myself up for failure (subconsciously I guess cos' I really didn't want to be in that position at that point in time). How I wish I could choose the easy way out and not do it. But I have to. I have resolved to do so. I have promised myself and I really hope that you will pray for me that I will do it with God's wisdom. Though I'm pretty sure some of you won't read this in time. How I wish I could just blog it and leave it aside. But some things still need to work the old-fashioned way. Face-to-face communication is simply necessary to eradicate all ambiguity and miscomms. Besides, people can just choose not to read or ignore what you send them, be it an sms or an email, needless-to-say, a blog entry. 

Anyway, a stream of possible scripts has been flooding my mind. Obviously, if you were in a situation you would be thinking of how you want to breach the topic, or how you are going to conjure smart answers and retorts to quick challenges posed by the other party once you present your case. Well, this is starting to sound like a battle or conflict. I'm not seeking to defeat the person. In fact, I'll experience the victory when I manage to overcome my own reservations and be honest with the person in an objective manner. That's my goal. It seems so distal now cos' I'm still trembling in my pants! But I want to do this! Not only for myself but because of the wavering glimmer of hope that something could spark and be revived. 

I don't know how many of you can identify with what I've just described or part of what I've just described. As I drew inspiration to post this entry, I began to think back on why I even started this blog. Of course, a huge part is written in the column to the right, on how I want to blog about God and my life lessons. But the real trigger then was the dissatisfaction of keeping everything bottled up inside me about a "last straw" I was experiencing at that stage of my life. I felt so repressed and the only way was to release it out. And what better way than to keep a public diary that you secretly wished for that someone, whom you want to convey all those repressed feelings to, whom you hope could understand all that you are going through, to read? I'm sure some of you know what I'm saying or empathize with me to a disturbingly large extent, don't ya? :)

Well, I think as most of you in your rational minds would expect, things didn't work out as I subconsciously planned. In fact, it got worse. I guess when you post only one side of the story online, and don't give the other party a chance to explain him or herself, the other party's going to get really mad and upset. It puts the person in bad light. Maybe that's why bloggers are getting into spats nowadays. So those of you thinking of using or are using this tactic, it won't work to your advantage!! Looking back I feel quite stupid about it. I can't even bear to look back at my first few blog entries. It's rather embarrassing...(for those interested to know, please feel free to check them out :))

So tomorrow I'm going to do what I set out to do. I'll be praying about it but ultimately I know I've got nothing to lose. Well, maybe a little pride lost or some discomfort or awkwardness felt. If it's got to be done, so be it... I keep thinking about Ezekiel lately cos' I've been reading the book of Ezekiel. He was God's chosen prophet to extend the last warning of repentance to the Israelites when they were exiled to Babylon as part of their punishment for engaging in idolatry and other sinful practices. God warned him of the crowd he was going to speak to--a people whose hearts have hardened and grown cold. But nevertheless, God commissioned him to speak to them and prophesy to them, and even provided him the means to seem convincing in his message (it's real interesting how God worked, go check it out if you're interested). I'm not so presumptuous as to say that I'm an Ezekiel. But if it's indeed in God's will for me to do so then I guess things will work out or even if it doesn't, at least I would have responded based on my final straw and made my stand clear. I'm definitely not a martyr cos' I'm usually the yes-man who doesn't speak against the flow. Perhaps I just paying my dues now and I don't wanna have regrets at the end of the day. 

Feeling repressed? (Sound like a Depression advert :)) Have things you want to say to someone and you know it could potentially turn things around or improve things? If that's you then maybe it's time to consider whether you should or not. And if you believe in God, pray about it. Amen.