We Did It, Lord!

It's been donkey years since I've last updated this blog. This flower needs some watering cos' its withering on the vine!! Fortunately, the current blog entry is upbeat and sanguine. That should do the magical trick of reviving it ;)

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Many of the entries in this blog describe my long and arduous journey of trying to get into the PhD program. I'm glad to say that I've finally made it, and I've received so much more than I expected. By God's grace, I've got my first paper published in a relatively good journal and have been admitted to one of the best marketing programs in the world. After three years of applications, self-doubt and feelings of dejection, I've finally made it (We did it, Lord!). I'll be starting my semester at Columbia University in New York this Fall.

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Although I didn't set out to do a PhD in marketing when I first set foot in the United States, things unravelled and somehow I was challenged to become an experimenter (something I never thought I could carve a livelihood out of since I've always considered myself to be a pretty well-manufactured product of the Singapore education system--conventional and uncreative). Regardless, I'm anything but divorcing myself from the field of psychology (as many would be mistaken); I'm just migrating from one branch, clinical psychology, to another, consumer psychology. An excerpt from my personal statement should serve to enlighten:

Sigmund Freud had once remarked that, “It is the mundane themes of everyday life that give us the inner workings of the mind”. Immense skepticism toward his speculative theories and fancy guesswork aside, I hold no reservations in concurring with this simple yet insightful statement. Indeed, it is the run-of-the-mill processes like forming judgments of our co-worker or neighbor, or making decisions even as trifling as deciding which dishwashing detergent to purchase, that seem to expose the intricacies of our minds to psychologists who strive to understand and predict human behavior. As Freud departed from explicating the irrational presentations of neuroses to fashioning hypotheses about the average human mind, I have resolved to retire from clinical psychology and to instead home in on the basic mechanisms underlying typical thoughts and responses. How people harness inputs of emotion and motivation to function within the boundaries of rationality is what I reckon more intriguing and thought provoking.

Moving from the world of correlational and predictable clin psych research to the volatile territory of ANOVAs and cutting-edge consumer/social psych research is definitely not going to be easy breezy for me. Nonetheless, it's going to be exciting and it's going to be fun! :)

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Things I'm looking forward to:

1. Finally having my own office cubicle in the business school (I don't have to work in the library or rely on their 20-page free printing quota to do my printing!);
2. Not having to explain that I'm from Teachers College which is an affiliate of Columbia University and not Columbia University (I won't feel like an impostor Columbia student anymore!);
3. Receiving a stipend after not having had a monthly salary since May 2008;
4. Having key access to the restrooms on the 5th floor (marketing program) and not having to run all the way down to the first floor when I need to go;
5. I don't need to feel like a chao RA anymore!

Yay!

Quarter-life crisis??!!!

Ha, when you thought you have cleared and survived all the storms of adolescence and all the decision-making you had to go through about which college to go to and which major to get into, you'll realize that simplicity is actually a myth and complication enjoys an exponential relationship with what we term "life". I'm twenty-five now (and soon to be 26), and supposing I do get to celebrate my centennial birthday, I'm probably experiencing what pop-psychology and marketing "gurus" (many are just quacks and charlatans, don't be fooled haha) would dub a "quarter-life crisis". Not that I deem myself to be in some form of crisis now. Rather I would more aptly describe the experience as an uncertainty. Most of it seems exciting now, but there's that tinge of apprehension that puts me on the edge of my seat. In the volatile and rapidly shifting era we live in, nothing's predictable and all that is secure is the unchanging nature of God's care and protection on His people. 

I'm almost nearing the end of the book of Esther in my daily devotions (and I just got to know someone called Esther from Korea, who is a pastor's daughter--how cool is that?!), and though the book never explicitly talks about God per se, it is brimming with the presence of God's divine intervention. What's the relevance to my topic? Well, just let me put things this way... sometimes we do things or are prompted to do stuff which don't seem to mean anything now or benefit us in anyway, but later on or even years later, we look back and we finally see how our earlier actions had helped us reach somewhere or serve a larger purpose. That was how God worked in Esther's life. She was crowned the queen of Persia for a reason that was probably beyond her comprehension at that point of time. But later on, everything unfolded and the true meaning behind that was revealed for the glory of God. 

I like the book of Esther. It contains so much hope in it. It helps me cope with the feeling of not knowing where or what my current activities and actions will lead to. Humans are creatures that need to know everything. We love to create orderliness in our everyday realities, and to be able to predict and control what comes our way. But the world doesn't function like that, and God doesn't operate in this manner. I'd like to think of Him like a puppet-master, shaping the way things work in our environment, and we, His beloved puppets doing his bidding (in a positive way of course). At times, we'll be like a Pinocchio, allowed some freedom to do whatever we please (and perhaps tell a little lie once in a while--white lies, of course, because we are nice people ;)). But God is creative and sometimes the plot of our lives are tumultuous and unpredictable so that the ending we savor is a dramatic sweetness. 

After talking so much, I still don't know where I am heading and whether what I'm doing now will enable me to fulfill my dreams and meet my goals. Haha, perhaps my goals aren't even God's and He's not leading me to them! He seems to be pulling me in some directions, and yet sometimes doubt creeps in and tells me that it's too difficult or it's impossible. Fortunately, I've given up wondering whether what I hope for will eventuate. Now it's simply being all ears for His instructions in my everyday life (small acts and big decisions alike) and submitting to them obediently. At the same time, praying for His will and not my will be done. I'm taking mini-steps to a greater goal and seizing opportunities that show themselves along the way, because I'll never comprehend what they mean to me and Him till the day when things unfold just as how they did for Esther.  

One beautiful song we sang tonight at "The Gate" - youth and young adults service at Times Square Church - and a song that we sang at jamming before. I really wanted to embed the video but an error message indicated that I don't have some MIME plugin--can someone tell me what that means? Haha thanks! Enjoy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU_rTX23V7Q

Whoo...hoo...I'm back!!

Today, Mona reminded me that I haven't updated my blog in a while...(heh, know what you are thinking gal...how come I'm blogging right now when I can be shouting "taboo" at Rach's...hehe. Oops going to get "hantum" when I step into office on Mon).

Anyways, yah it's been such a long time since I've blogged. Somehow haven't got much inspiration too..guess I'm the "EMO"-kind and when I get into the reflective or intellectual (the former more than the latter...), then I get the urge to blog. My brain's been quite scattered (scatterbrain!) the past few weeks and I haven't been clear-minded enough to think. Was kinda afraid...thought I won't recover and I got some brain prob or something (serious...for a while I was scared) cos' I really felt sea-sick for days and I haven't been on a PCG patrol craft or something like that. Haven't been so sick like that in ages. I guess the ParaC Day and the Viva (my two giants) really kept my body on battle-mode but I didn't have the time (couldn't afford to anyway...) to fall ill and after the Viva...it just gave way like an overstretched rubberband. Still remember that morning I fell sick...was scheduled to conduct a PSC interview and that queasy feeling and the muscle aches were beginning to set in...affected my mood and I threw a tiny tantrum at work over a file that went missing for a while (which I'm kinda apologetic...very guilty over that weekend). Sorry some of them had to see that...-.-

Anyways, that sea-sickness (floating kind of dizzy...not the usual spinning kind...the third doctor I saw defined the two kinds for me...) followed me for days. Went for a course on negotiation and I was really looking forward to it (ever since I attended one day of a similar course conducted last year when I joined)...but when that floating sensation interfered with my mind and I had to give some of the exercises, esp. the more challenging ones a miss, I was worried that I won't be assessed and also won't be competent enough to be on the team eventually. Finally managed to squeeze out one rational thought through that clouded thinking. If I had to take care of my health, I had to...and if it means giving up being part of the team (and being able to experience some "action" next time) then I had to...But anyway, think it isn't so bad. Hopefully they will let me join the team. Tried to use some reverse psych (actually it's just rationalisation) on myself by telling myself that on the flip side if I don't make it I won't have to be activated wee hours of the night if a real incident were to happen...heh.

Okay, so basically I have been ill...oh no going on and on about it...don't be mistaken, not wallowing in self-pity. Really wanna get well and be up and running. Miss the gym...miss the jogging. Also, I had so many things I was looking forward to after Viva! All the goals I set for myself this year...anyways, slowly getting back on track and planning my next steps. Wanna do some volunteering, reading, give myself a treat---maybe a new hairdo, have some slumbers, plan for the outreach prog, study for you-know-what, aiyo...list goes on. Was so upset when I got ill and had to shelve these plans. Most of all the past one month or so...the busyness kept me away from God. I felt a little distant...esp. during Viva prep. It was madness...the late nights just made me so tired and that made morning QT quite an uphill task. Really trying to get back on track now. Praise God, the past few QTs have been great. The chapters I'm reading now have really been impacting my heart. Just wanna share something about obedience and life:

Here's a little section on obeying God from my study bible which I really like and wanna commit to doing...

Deuteronomy 8:1 tells us to obey God's commandmants and we do this with...

1. Our HEART--by loving Him more than any relationship, activity, achievement or possession. (I'm really glad that I'm madly in LOVE with HIM!)

2. Our WILL--by committing ourselves completely to Him

3. Our MIND--by seeking to know Him and His Word, so His principles and values for the foundation of all we think and do.

4. Our BODY--by recognizing that our strengths, talents and sexuality are given to us by God to be used for pleasure and fulfillment according to His rules and not ours. (Amen, so we can't waste away our lives...self care is important too!)

5. Our FINANCES--by deiciding that all of the resources we have ultimately come from God, and that we are to be Managers of them not Owners. (This reminds me to be humble and not become complacent cos' although He won't take them away forcefully--the Lord is merciful--He can prevent us from using them).

6. Our FUTURE--by deciding to make service to God and man the main purpose of our life's work. (I put a star beside this one in my bible cos' I'm at the point in my life where I'm seriously thinking about my future plans and I really wanna this purpose to be the cornerstone of everything I do in my life!)

As for the part on LIFE...was reading Mind Your Body this week and there was this article in the Mind Matters section (really like this cos' it has topics relevant to resilience and positive psych) about Aristotle and Happiness. They were saying how Happiness is not so much a destination but rather a journey of pursuing some meaning in your life. Was also reading in the bible about how Jesus mentioned in Matthew 4:4 that man does not live on bread alone but on the Word of God! There was this point in my study bible about how many people think that life is based on satisfying their appetites--earning money to dress well, eat well, play well--that's the good life, but truly these things do not satisfy our deepest longings. Many times, we end up empty and dissatisfied even after these so called needs are met. Real life according to Moses in Deuteronomy 8:3 comes from total commitment to God, the one who created life itself. It requires DISCIPLINE, SACRIFICE, and HARD WORK and that's why most people never find it. I guess it's really closely linked to what Aristotle had in mind...that happiness is really something we have to work for through life and that requires a purpose we are living for. When there is a goal to achieve, it always involves what Moses' had in mind I guess...discipline, sacrifice and hard work--the ingredients for reaching life goals. At the end of the day, when you achieve that purpose you look back and feel like you scaled Mount Everest!

Oh dear...been rattling on and on...just wanted to capture these on my blog before I forget. Don't mind the sentances...okay shall stop here for now. I just love life and wanna embrace it with that purpose in mind! Amen!

SUCCESS

probably inaccurately attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people

And the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics

And endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty,

To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better,

Whether by a healthy child,

A garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier

because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

Goals for the year 2007!

one. ministry

to go on a mission trip abroad

to have a small group slumber party @ home

to organise a happening youth outreach project

to meet youths outside church once every month

two. family

to buy my parents an expensive dinner

to help out in my sister's wedding planning

to tell my parents I love them very very very much!

three. work

to complete my viva

to make the Para C Appreciation Day event a successful one

to make a meaningful difference to the existing Para C framework

to write a research paper on mental illness/health & law enforcement

four. community

to be a volunteer for a day on two separate occasions

to go for one of the "Adopt a Block" activities with the Bishan cell

five. myself

to complete a Thai language class

to finish reading at least one book!

to pass my GRE and apply for a scholarship

to master at least two new powerful english songs

Stress? I will survive!

Super duper stressful day today...but I survived it! Since the new year, my project has been a thorn in the flesh and that has caused tremendous stress, but today my system was kinda overwhelmed. Suddenly found myself rushing to complete so many nitty gritties. But I must admit that even though I was kept on my toes (probably worrying my colleagues to some extent cos' anxiety was written over my face), it felt good at the end of the day when I managed to clear quite a lot of the baggage.

As more and more dates get marked out on the calendar for meetings, meetings and more meetings, the gan jiong spider in me gets even more jittery by the minute. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining that I've too much work. Rather, I'm starting to doubt my own ability in managing the workload which is probably similar to what my other colleagues are having. Perhaps I'm not efficient enough. Perhaps I'm just to perfectionistic--every thing must be top notch to the littlest of details.

Whatever it is, I've just got to prod on. I've got to manage my time and learn to relax. But most importantly, I've got to involve God in these challenging moments. On the bus home from work today, it all just came to me that I didn't turn to Him throughout the day. In fact, I just read in my devotion this morning that He is the "Almighty"--nothing is beyond His power! Amen to that! I know I'll be able to pull through the next couple of months with His help.

Was trying to put some add-ons to my blog, so I've put some new links to other blogs. Yay, such an accomplishment for a computer idiot! Anyway, got some improvements I need to make for my blog this year:

1. Less text.

2. More pictures.

3. More add-ons

There's so much to learn and experiment with blogging! Going to take my time and try improving it.

Anyway, today I had a wonderful day. My only regret was my failure to exercise. I wrote to the ST Forum in the morning (they are going to publish my article! Received a call in the evening...), then I went for a Jap buffet lunch with my daddy and mummy (food wasn't fantastic and service was poor and slipshod). After that my mum and I went to do a little shopping. Wanted to go to Borders to get some books for my GRE exam (aiming to take this year so must get some study guides). Was fun shopping with her! Later I'm going to watch the new drama "War and Beauty" on Channel U. Great day before work starts for 2007 tomorrow. Brand new start...whew!