MAKING A DIFFERENCE?

I've always wanted to be an agent of change ever since I started to find that self confidence which never existed till I was 17 years old. Guess you-know-who made a difference in my life (no not a man, I mean God!). As I slowly built up my confidence and walked out of that shadow of inferiority complex and low self-esteem, I started realising that I could be much more than I ever thought I could be.

People may see me now as the vocal and opinionated Charlene. Someone always so eager to speak up (and many times too Cheong Hei for that matter). But I guess many people never really knew that I struggled with an unhealthy sense of worth for a very long time through secondary school. I was paranoid about many things then, especially what people thought of me. I was always so worried that people saw me as hypocritical. Sigh, really remember those days. I recall how affected I was one day that in sobs and tears I ran into the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of "Head & Shoulders". I removed the cap and was going to take a heroic gulp when that little tinge of bitterness from the alkali content that touched my lip made me decide against it. Then, I gave up and just broke down in despair. I felt disliked by my classmates for being a goody-two-shoes of a student counsellor.

Of course I've grown out of it. Guess I'm still goody-two-shoes, but one that speaks up and dares to play devil's advocate when she feels she should be (I hope). But I must qualify that I'm still kinda submissive and accomodating, and my threshold for accepting so-called "injustice" or "unfair treatment" is still rather high. Somehow I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt (perhaps too much sometimes). It's part of my peace-loving nature. I mean most of us prefer to maintain the peace than create a storm ya. Gonna stop here before people perceive me to be bragging a little. Wouldn't want that to be my new reputation. Just know that I'm vocal because that's my nature now. Not that I think I'm smart or I wanna steal the limelight. Just find it difficult to suppress that urge to contribute my ideas or thoughts.

About being a change agent? Yah, that's what I want so much to be. To be able to raise my voice and contribute my two cents worth and people would sit up and pay attention. And perhaps to be able to stir something in people that they would be spurred on to make a difference in their own lives and others'. Maybe that's why that little ambition I always harbour every general elections comes back to haunt me here and then. Yes, I have thoughts of going into politics but that's just because people listen to what they have to say. It is true that their words hold more weight than ours.

I really want to make a difference. I hope that through my life I'm impacting others in my little ways. Nonetheless, that desire to cause a huge impact does exist in my heart. I really love God and I hope that I can really embody the love of Christ and really speak to people about Him through the deeds in my life. But recently when I was doing my QT, something struck me real hard. I was reading the book of Numbers and something about Moses spoke to me. Moses was a great leader and an amazingly faithful follower of God. But he was also one of the most humble men in the Bible. Everytime Moses did a miracle before the Israelites, however, it wasn't his own power and strength, it was God's. Literally speaking, Moses did make a difference in their lives, but strictly speaking, it was God that made the true difference. This was what I learnt that day. As much as I want to make a difference, God is the one that can do so and I'm just his instrument. This reminded me not to get ahead of myself (and my idealistic nature) so much. I had to remember and humble myself for God to use me as an instrument of change.

Praise You God, because you are the only one that can really make a difference. I pray that You will allow me to be Your instrument of change, someone whom You can rely on to make a difference in the lives of those around me and those of the community. I love You Lord and I pray that you expand my ability to serve You in this manner. Amen!