In response to Joanna Lee's discussion on why the former Miss Singapore is still making headlines...(ST Oct 6)

I believe the interest is also sparked by the fact that Ms Low appears to exemplify the stereotype of what most laypersons hold toward beauty queens: attractive but empty-headed bimbos. She appears to be the epitome of this stereotype and her example verifies or confirms our popular conception. People have an inherent psychological need to feel accurate about these things and hence she became the topic of focus. It's still amazing to me how she managed to clinch the crown and ascend the throne considering the way she presented herself in interviews. Because I didn't watch the pageant, it made me curious about the caliber of other contestants. Anyway, as the scoop on her enlarged and made its way to the masses, her image declined. In some way perhaps, the public began to feel vindicated. Her rise to fame promptly degenerated into a spiral downhill, which in itself composed a very dramatic and riveting story that provided bountiful entertainment. Though the underlying reasons for the overwhelming attention were disparate, just a while back news about the former Ms California being "deposed" of her title created identical sensations in the US. News about beauty queens rising and falling make good subjects to expand on in popular media. As the drama unfolded (and continues to I suppose; seems like the saga might prolong given Ms Low's penchant for the limelight), my initial anger as a Singaporean woman being misrepresented by Ms Low's lackluster and embarrassing presentation has subsided. Truthfully, as much as many of us (including myself) enjoy dissing her, there are people in Singapore, who speak like her, act like her, maybe have some form of psychological dysfunction, and lack insight about these. It is just unfortunate that she became the target because of her high profile that is magnified in a small country where news comprises mainly economic reports, propaganda, and banal news about petty theft and outrage of modesty. Undoubtedly, the "Ris Low" epic not only constitutes an unraveling of a dark past pertaining to a Singaporean teenager living among us, but also a reflection of the Singaporean mass media and citizen journalism, which is thriving in Singapore.

What a fine way to start the day...
(just ramblings)

I felt vulnerable today. A vulnerability that contained uncertainty and feelings of self-doubt overwhelmed my ego. And perhaps the need, as Freud would gladly allude to, to get this off my chest motivated me in taking this initial step to log on to blogger. I don't feel comfortable and secure where I am and about the decisions I've made. Wobbly is the word, I guess. Again the same old familiar worry about the next five years boiling into my consciousness and I'm asking myself whether I should or should not rather than whether I want or do not want. And I'm keeping all these things ambiguous in my writing here cos' I don't want to be driving people nuts with "there she goes again..."

The debate fueling the anxiety right now is going into something challenging vs. going into something safe (and safe meaning something I feel totally confident and comfortable about). Well, the latter option seems to be a lost cause right now because of the amount of psychological investment lavished on the prospect of the former option and efforts into fulfilling it. It seems to me at my current state of mind that the defensive pessimist in me would prefer a very prevention-focused orientation in which I do something safe, something that I know I can do, something that I'm know I can do well in. Yet the challenge that derives from the other is intellectually stimulating yet pressurizing and anxiety-provoking (at least at the present moment). To make it more concrete, I'm just not sure whether I'm smart and creative enough. There you go...I said it. I guess I'm not afraid of the potential failure; what's more fearful to me is the knowing that I've actually failed. A blow to my esteem or ego (whatever).

Now I guess I am coping...coping with all these mixed feelings and actions within my means so to speak. I'm just treading water as hard as I can and trying to stay afloat until December comes. Then things will be out of my locus of control and a sense of relief would ensue. Then God could take over (though I know God should already be in control right now...I am cognizant of that, but perhaps not feeling it as much as I would like to).

3 Things About FAITH

It's been a while since I blogged, but reading My Daily Bread today really illuminated the meaning of faith and uncovered some of the "myths" people, including myself, tend to have about faith. I realized how my long struggle with the belief that I needed "more and more" of it was unnecessary, and that I've been looking at the world through human eyes (my own eyes) and reckoning that things can only go according to the rules of the world. These 3 simple but fundamental truths about faith can often be sidelined in the constant rhetoric that "You just need to have faith".

1. It doesn't matter how much faith you have.

Here is something where black or white, all or nothing, extreme-thinking is advantageous (otherwise most things should be perceived in shades of grey). Here's an excerpt from Luke 17 as evidence:

⁶He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.

In His reply to the disciples who asked Him to increase their faith, Jesus made it clear that quantity of faith is irrelevant. Sometimes we attribute unanswered prayers to insufficient faith, but fail to understand that the effectiveness of our prayers don't hinge on the quantity of our faith but rather the presence of it (i.e., whether we even have faith).

2. Don't limit God's intervention to the ways of the world.

Haha a common error that I tend to commit, by forgetting that God's power is far more superior than the laws of nature in this universe--the laws of science, logic and rationality theorized by men to explain the operations of the world. I hate to admit this but it's even more powerful than psychology (which I totally adhere to as part of my knowledge quest in life). the centurion that Luke spoke about in chapter 7 makes an excellent exemplar for us to model for even Jesus commended him as a man of "great faith":

⁹When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel."

The centurion, a man of great military status and riches in the Roman army, did not restrict Jesus' ability to heal his servant to the workings of the world. He knew that whether Jesus was physically by his servant's side did not affect Jesus' ability to heal. Often, we think that some preconditions must be present for certain miracles (or rather possibilities) to occur. For instance, I keep thinking that for me to get into a PhD program I NEED to have a publication and hence I keep praying for one (well, this is an example, not that I have been doing so extensively). But God can choose to reveal His strength through my weaknesses by enabling me to get into a program even it is difficult in the eyes of men so that I realize that it's by His might and not my own effort. Don't limit your faith in God to how things of the world function.

3. Have faith that trusts God to do His work in His way.

I like this one a lot. As mentioned in My Daily Bread, "unanswered prayers" are sometimes not unanswered; in some cases, God has overruled our wishes in a loving manner. He knows that what we asked for simply may not be beneficial or the best for us. Perhaps the timing is inappropriate or He has a far greater purpose that surpasses what we hope for. We cannot see things the way He does, and feel neglected, hopeless, and helpless when we don't see any "response" to our prayers. Jesus' prayer on the Mount of Olives offers some comfort in our distress when we feel that our prayers are unanswered (Luke 22):

⁴²"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

Well, it can be argued that Jesus had an idea of what was happening to Him and that it was for a greater good He was aware of. In many life situations, we are oblivious to what's to come and we don't even know whether the eventual outcome will be benign or harmful. Whatever the case, having a faith that considers the "invisible" (not seeing but yet believing) would definitely help us to step out of hopelessness and helplessness although I must emphasize that Christianity ("religion") is not a feel good thing. Taste and see then you'll realize that God gives us more than we can ever imagine.

Unanswered prayers are answered still

As part of God's great master plan;

They help to carry out His will

To demonstrate God's love for man--D. De Haan

Back to New York

I am now at Gate B11 in Toronto’s Pearson Airport, feeling robbed of my sense of control. My plan to purchase Tim Horton’s donuts has been wrecked by the US Immigrations Office. A mere glass wall segregates me from that one-time opportunity to experience a taste of heaven on earth (I love donuts!!!). Darn, an out-of-body déjà vu experience that pricks deep into my chest! Last year, I had similar plans to try out Krispe Crème at the airport in Hong Kong before I boarded the plane back to Singapore. I never found the outlet (though I had info from a friend that there was a branch at the airport). This time, my grand plan to buy a whole box of Tim Horton’s donuts home is ruined because the counter is located within the domestic (i.e., Canadian) flights area at Terminal 3 (and I made a prior check to make sure that it is within the terminal I’ll be in)! Oh well…there goes my plan to try the Boston Cream and new Blueberry flavor donuts!

A sense of ambivalence is flooding my mind: relief because the conference is finally over and normality will resume; dread because I simply don’t look forward to the work ahead of me.

This trip has been a great one. Bonding with friends and eating good food (lotsa bubble tea, long-anticipated fresh sashimi, Teppanyaki and Indian food!!!) were the highlights I guess. Seeing the Dead Sea scrolls at the Royal Ontario Museum (and taking weird, quirky pictures with dinosaur bones) and going up CN Tower were secondary highlights.

The most ridiculous and “please-get-me-out-of-here” moment was being stuck in a tiny American Airlines plane lying on the tarmac for a whole 2.5 hours because of a thunderstorm and suffering anxiety from waiting for my unlocked hand luggage that contained my lab-top at the luggage belt (Pearson Airport policy does not allow their ground staff to remove cargo when there is lightning striking—even though it was sunny).

The second most outrageous event of this trip (a close contender of the first one) was the awful banquet food that we paid $30 for at a restaurant near Chinatown! The suan la tang literally comprised hot sauce and water, and the shrimp made me nauseous.

The most memorable thing: going clubbing with Stanley Sue!

What I loved about Canada: beautiful architecture, good food, and cleanliness (relative to US cos’ people from Ottawa were amused when I said Toronto was clean).

The best thing of this trip: incessant laughter with friends and maybe the seminar on “How do dogs think?” by Steve Coren from UBC. Watch out, Chewie! I’m gonna read your mind.

Okay, going to get something to bite before I board the plane. Toodles….!

Rejections, rejections, rejections...

How do you bounce back from rejection after rejection? (If you are looking forward to a great answer, I have none; if you are hoping to find out where to seek the answer, perhaps I may have some direction)

Number of PhD applications rejected:

15 (2008) + 2 (2009)

Number of times my manuscript has been rejected:

2 by two journals

Number of times people rejected participating in my study at the supermarket:

countless...

Rejections are part and parcel of life. This is something I probably learnt of recently. It is definitely not something that I was used to. But now it seems to be "a common home-cooked meal" (jia chang bian fan) to me. Not garnering some kind of sympathy here, just trying to share my newfound realization that things do not always seem so rosy. It is especially hard when everything has been going smoothly in your life and when you are confronted by a rejection, it is a huge one.

Certainly I have faced rejections before. My first one probably in secondary school when I felt socially rejected and lonely. But I looked ahead and somehow I bounced back. I guess I adapted. I was able to navigate the interpersonal world without having to deal with tricky BFF relationships and cliquish loyalties--because I never had either. This is of my greatest regrets, especially when I view people's FB photos and "How well do you know XX" surveys. God is great. Despite this, He has placed people in my life to let me know that I would always be able to obtain support when I need it.

At this juncture, I can loudly proclaim that I'm stepping into a rejection-laden path. This is not catastrophizing, nor is this exaggeration. The career I have decided to embark on is one in which rejections are commonplace and expected. Journal manuscripts and conference abstracts are bound to be rejected, and people are bound to reject participating in my studies. The first time I conducted the supermarket study and the first time my manuscript was rejected I was really upset, but now I'm able to take it all in and not allow myself feel bad about these things. I have moved on and adapted.

Jesus dealt with the most severe forms of rejection--by the ones He came to save, by those He loved most dearly, by His own people in His hometown. The rejections we face are incomparable to the persecution He suffered and the pain that resulted. Perhaps it helps to reflect on this in our times of rejection and find peace in the fact that God will never reject us--not our prayers, our cries, our weaknesses, etc. He accepts us entirely, even if we are the most incorrigible of all sinners.

Now when I face rejections I stop dwelling on the negative emotions that arise; instead, I think of how I can work on reducing my rejection rates. Not sure if that's the best solution. But it definitely helps!

Enter into the Garden of Gethsemane

There are points in our lives where we feel alone. We are in a place where no one else can come with us. It could be sickness; it could be an exam; it could be anything that we need to confront on our own. Our families and friends cannot suffer the illness for us, nor can they take the test on our behalf. The Lord puts us through trials so that WE can be molded and refined; we need to brave the challenges in order to be changed.

In those moments, we don't have to act heroic. We don't need to, in Singaporean terms, geh kiang. Easier said than done. That's what I always do: try so hard on my own, struggle on my own and eventually wallow in self-pity when things don't turn out the way I like them to be. We don't have to carry the burden, the yolk, on our own. You see, when Jesus entered into the garden of Gethsemane, he started off by praying this "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me" He fell with his face to the ground and faced God in His frail humanity, in honesty and in sorrow. He acknowledged His human nature. Likewise, we can enter into that same place and cry out to God, be broken before Him and admit that vulnerability you possess.

But note what the Lord said thereafter. He continued by praying this "Yet not as I will but as You will. He allowed God to override His own humanly desire. Is it resignation? Nope, it is an act of submission and obedience to the One who is all-knowing and almighty, the One who knows what's best for us when we don't most of the time. What does it mean to surrender to the Lord then? This is something that we always tell ourselves and tell the ones we love. But what does it entail specifically. First and foremost, what is within our ability is to stop struggling. Stop trying too hard. Stop bashing through the jungle. Be still, talk to God and praise Him. Go into the presence of God. Go into the garden of Gethsemane to meet Him.

This was a message that really touched me on Sunday when I heard the pastor preach the Word of God. I have been struggling and floundering and trying to keep afloat on my own, doing all it takes in my own wisdom to achieve the success I want. It's tiring and when things don't go smoothly, it is easy to beat yourself and find reasons to blame yourself. You start questioning why you can't do this. We are not invincible and rejoice in that because that keeps us plugged into God's resources; we realize that we need to stay close to God to survive. That's a true blessing that often goes unnoticed.

Here is a link to a song that we sang at service this Sunday. Check this out if you want to know what it means to surrender!

Marc James' Surrender