Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands

'Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

Give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on

Jesus take the wheel

Need you badly Lord...I can't face the giant on my own
Just like how you've given David the victory, help me fight my "Goliath"
I need your extra dose of strength, wisdom, willpower, optimism and faith!

SUCCESS

probably inaccurately attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people

And the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics

And endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty,

To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better,

Whether by a healthy child,

A garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier

because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

Crazy lyrics that struck me when I was leaving the airport after sending my mum off to Newcastle...she'll be away for the next four months...:(

These words just came to me and I typed it into my mobile phone. Finished it when I came home. Just some poppish kinda rubbish song...heh. So full of angst. You may laugh after you read it!

Ironic Personality

I'm strong but I'm weak,
I'm juvenile but sensible,
So fickle yet so stubborn,
No restrictions but traditional.

I'm bitter but I'm sweet,
In love but at loggerheads,
Can sweep you off your feet,
yet can make you wanna flee.

Cos' I'm a girl of contradiction,
A product of irony.
Give ya some coldness,
But I can turn up the heat.

Cos' I'm a girl of contradiction,
Can't understand myself.
So how could you know me,
when I don't even, myself.

Why do you pretend to know me when you don't
I don't even know myself, how could you know me?

Stop looking at me like I'm some kind of young chick
Cos' I'm stronger inside, though I look kinda weak.

Finished!

Lene's little piece of mindfulness today...Simply divine!

Hearing my footsteps in tandom with my short breaths as I jog in the park with the sunlight shining and hitting on my back.

Running along a road without any vehicles and hearing an eighties mandarin tune coming from a petrol kiosk and sounds of birds and chatter from people at the bus-stop.

Prodding up the slope to my condo, feeling the strain on the body but at the same time peering at the red and white radio tower atop the hill with the beautiful blue sky as a backdrop and green lushious palm trees in the foreground.

Took these mental snapshots as I ran today. It's great to be alive and aware of what's around you and within you. Praise God that in the complexities of life, there is always a simple side to life that always brings so much pleasure and delight to the human soul. It's great to be alive!

What's it with "GUYS" and "gurls"?
I mean "CURLS"..."girls with curls"...

Just me and my random questions rousing my brain again...man, I feel like sometimes jogging not only exercises my legs but it's like brain gym when I hit the road or track.

What's it with guys and curls anyway? I hear all the sniggers whenever one of the girls gets a new perm and she walks into the room all ready to ask the "So what do ya think?" question and "BOOM"...y'know what's going through everyone's mind. The "AUNTIE" word just lights up in the mind's semantic web. That word just becomes so available! And in an attempt not to sound too hurtful...the lips twitch and tense up trying to restrain the waves of laughter from overflowing so as not to unleash a catastrophe at the scene.

"It is in y'know! It's back from the eighties". Somehow that gets ignored. Guess our male counterparts just don't have a knick-knack for fashion...probably can't tell between a Prada or a Gucci...but if they do, they get mistaken as you know who. Okay, not too deride their fashion sense. Guess they just can't appreciate what's being displayed at Topshop or Dorothy Perkins. Even the clothes hanging off the racks of the new Riverisland store at Vivo draws sneers and hordes of laughter from young male kids roaming the mall in their oversized t-shirts and cargo pants. "That's something my grandma would wear!"

Back to the "curls" issue. Guess only supermodels can carry those off, the rest of us would just be relegated to "aunties" if we do get that perm (no offence to the real aunties, just that the rest of us really don't wanna be "elevated" to that status just yet...it's premature ya). Guys just have something about curly hair, I guess. Most of them would probably rather be caught dead than have to spot on a curly hairdo and walk along Orchard Road. Can't imagine how those who were born with natural Phua Chu Kang-like locks feel...a serious damage on the self esteem?

Wonder where this practice of perming hair came from anyway? How did it start? Sure there must be some reason why people do it for beauty's sake. And why do the older ladies like to perm their hair? Is there an association with age so strong that when younger girls do it now, they are compared to the "aunties"? Well, whatever it is the bottomline for me is, I probably wouldn't wanna spend money getting one at this point just to get poked fun at. Like my straight hair for now. I know I'm no supermodel. Only till the day when I'm perfectly confident of my outward appearance and of course when I have my extra cash and I don't need to bother about those nasty remarks, I'd probably get one just to try out how it feels and see how I look.

I'M NO TECHNO-BRAINIAC
BUT I'M TECHNOCRATIC!

I'm not an anti-techonology activist, nor do I practise zero tolerance for the latest gadgets and gizmos. I do agree that I-Pods are cool and that Steve Jobs is an inspiration to many aspiring technopreneurs with his stunning global success of Apple computers and of course his unflinching courage in pitting himself against the strongholds of the Microsoft empire. Technology is one of the greatest accomplishments of the humankind besides philosophy and fine arts. And I always wished I had a knack for it. Unfortunately, I'm quite the techno-idiot and my skill (or rather the lack of) is limited to emails and mobile phones. For Heaven's sake, I don't even own an I-Pod or an MP3 player! And I'm typing this blog entry on my Compac Presario 1500 which still runs on a Pentium 4 (not complaining though, it's good enough for a mild techno-phobic like me). Perhaps that's why I'd rather stick to studying human behaviour and the human mind (Psychology is cool ya).

Not here to gripe and whinge about technology. Am certainly not going to vilify it as the root of all evil (cos' I belive that Man's pride is the root of many evils apart from Mr S. A. Tan), nor am I going to belittle it's status in our ever-moving and fast-paced society. We need technology in our world today. Our world has been modified to such a great extent since creation that technology is no longer simply a luxury but has become a "necessity", a survival tool which many can't leave home without (or live without at home). Unless you are elderly or an infant, it would be an "abominable sin" for you to not know anything about it (at least know how to use text messaging on your mobile phone--hello?). I probably just want to rattle on a bit on how ironic communications technology can be in our lives.

The irony just rang in my head this morning as I was reflecting (that's one of my favourite pastimes on the bus every morning since I don't have a mini I-Pod to sing to, though I would describe it more as random thinking or "ruminating"). Finally read in the papers about something which I heard of over the radio last week from Glenn Ong and the Flying Dutchman (they can be quite informative sometimes apart from the sexual stuff that we all can do without):

"IN NEW YORK CITY, THREE PEDESTRIANS PLUGGED IN-TO THEIR I-PODS HAVE BEEN KILLED IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS AFTER THEY STEPPED OFF KERBS AND INTO THE PATH OF ONCOMING VEHICLES".

It goes on to say that...

"NEW YORK SENATOR CARL KRUGER LAST MONTH EVEN PROPOSED A BILL THAT WOULD SEE PEOPLE FINED US$100 (S$153) FOR USING ANY KIND OF ELECTRONIC DEVICE WHILE CROSSING A ROAD".

Even as I type this, I can hear the "Can you believe that?"s resounding in my brain (no I'm not having auditory hallucinations). I mean, many young people are sure to protest against that bill. As a driver, my initial response to it is "would that make a difference?". That horrible reality of people being banged down whilst crossing the road and at the same time listening to their electronic devices didn't stump me a bit. As a driver, I frequently see hordes of kids crossing the road whilst engaged in lively banter, oblivious to the surrounding. It just irritates me to the core when they don't pay attention as they cross the road. That's when I retaliate with a horn (or several). One of my pet peeves I guess.

What actually inspired me to enter an entry today is rather the afterthoughts that I have regarding technology. I definitely have no doubt about techonology being an excellent medium for communications. We learn new ideas through the mass media--internet, radio, television, etc. We have verbal exchanges with people from the other side of the globe using tele-conferencing, MSN messenger and Skype. We develop relationships through gaming with our buddy and clan-mates at the LAN shop and through online gaming. Technology is something that pulls people together like in online forums and sharing of information, but it's also something that can potentially BE USED to alienate and lower our sense of awareness of the human realm.

How often have we found ourselves desperately pressing those buttons on the keypad of our mobile phones to look busy when we're faced with foreign social environments that simply scare our socks off (okay that's a bit of an extreme, you get what I mean)? Familiar? "Guilty"? How about the times when we put up that "do not disturb"sign by plugging into our MP3 players to seem occupied and conveniently excuse ourselves from having to engage in "polite discussion" and "PRing"? Heh, I'm guilty big-time of the first one. When I look socially awkward or want to find a quick escape route from some constipated conversation, it's my samsung to the rescue!

The greatest danger I feel which when I think about sends chills down my spine, is the fact that women joggers plugged into their electronic devices are often preyed on by sexual predators waiting to pounce on them while they jog through the local park. It's scary. This was something mentioned by the trainer in the recent profiling workshop I attended. These females become easy targets by men who just exploit the fact that they aren't as conscious to their surrounding as they should be. The price paid is simply too tragic.

The point is our use of technology can possibly cause us to lower our sense of awareness not only to the world around us but also to the human aspect of interaction. As much as techonology should bring people together, if utilised in a certain manner, it can become a bane to us. I sure do need to emphasise that it's not techonology that is at fault. We all look for things to blame but many times it's our lack of discipline and prideful nature that causes us to fall. As technology becomes more prevalent in our lives, we cannot afford to allow ourselves to become slaves to it. We need to rein ourselves in and learn to differentiate the boundaries between overusage and effective use.

A counsellee asked me one day: "why did man create money?". He said that without money, there would be so much less evil in the world. While I agreed that money seems to have led to a lot of couple spats and broken homes, but many times it's not so much of money itself which is the problem. It's the selfish and self-serving human that is behind all this duress and distress in society. The bottomline for us is to be discerning about the way we live our lives and use the instruments we created. Learn to appreciate the fact that the ability to invent all these things derive from from the human imagination, intellect and creativity, which originates from God and is His gift to us.

MAKING A DIFFERENCE?

I've always wanted to be an agent of change ever since I started to find that self confidence which never existed till I was 17 years old. Guess you-know-who made a difference in my life (no not a man, I mean God!). As I slowly built up my confidence and walked out of that shadow of inferiority complex and low self-esteem, I started realising that I could be much more than I ever thought I could be.

People may see me now as the vocal and opinionated Charlene. Someone always so eager to speak up (and many times too Cheong Hei for that matter). But I guess many people never really knew that I struggled with an unhealthy sense of worth for a very long time through secondary school. I was paranoid about many things then, especially what people thought of me. I was always so worried that people saw me as hypocritical. Sigh, really remember those days. I recall how affected I was one day that in sobs and tears I ran into the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of "Head & Shoulders". I removed the cap and was going to take a heroic gulp when that little tinge of bitterness from the alkali content that touched my lip made me decide against it. Then, I gave up and just broke down in despair. I felt disliked by my classmates for being a goody-two-shoes of a student counsellor.

Of course I've grown out of it. Guess I'm still goody-two-shoes, but one that speaks up and dares to play devil's advocate when she feels she should be (I hope). But I must qualify that I'm still kinda submissive and accomodating, and my threshold for accepting so-called "injustice" or "unfair treatment" is still rather high. Somehow I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt (perhaps too much sometimes). It's part of my peace-loving nature. I mean most of us prefer to maintain the peace than create a storm ya. Gonna stop here before people perceive me to be bragging a little. Wouldn't want that to be my new reputation. Just know that I'm vocal because that's my nature now. Not that I think I'm smart or I wanna steal the limelight. Just find it difficult to suppress that urge to contribute my ideas or thoughts.

About being a change agent? Yah, that's what I want so much to be. To be able to raise my voice and contribute my two cents worth and people would sit up and pay attention. And perhaps to be able to stir something in people that they would be spurred on to make a difference in their own lives and others'. Maybe that's why that little ambition I always harbour every general elections comes back to haunt me here and then. Yes, I have thoughts of going into politics but that's just because people listen to what they have to say. It is true that their words hold more weight than ours.

I really want to make a difference. I hope that through my life I'm impacting others in my little ways. Nonetheless, that desire to cause a huge impact does exist in my heart. I really love God and I hope that I can really embody the love of Christ and really speak to people about Him through the deeds in my life. But recently when I was doing my QT, something struck me real hard. I was reading the book of Numbers and something about Moses spoke to me. Moses was a great leader and an amazingly faithful follower of God. But he was also one of the most humble men in the Bible. Everytime Moses did a miracle before the Israelites, however, it wasn't his own power and strength, it was God's. Literally speaking, Moses did make a difference in their lives, but strictly speaking, it was God that made the true difference. This was what I learnt that day. As much as I want to make a difference, God is the one that can do so and I'm just his instrument. This reminded me not to get ahead of myself (and my idealistic nature) so much. I had to remember and humble myself for God to use me as an instrument of change.

Praise You God, because you are the only one that can really make a difference. I pray that You will allow me to be Your instrument of change, someone whom You can rely on to make a difference in the lives of those around me and those of the community. I love You Lord and I pray that you expand my ability to serve You in this manner. Amen!

Know Thyself

I guess we can never know ourselves completely. I can never confidently say anything absolute about myself like "I'll never like durian" (don't mistaken I don't have anything against that fruit--not an ardent fan but neither am I someone that can't stand to be around any). The point is people change. They may vary themselves according to different periods in time, or different circumstances or environments they may be in. That's probably one take home message from the profiling course I attended over the last couple of days. We can never know someone or even ourselves completely. That's probably why that same guy who has always been so friendly as a friend, helpful as a colleague, and affectionate as a husband, can also be someone vicious enough to kill for money, or torture to seek revenge. People can behave differently according to the role they play in their lives. You may know your mum as a mother, but not your mum as a daughter or a lover (yucks, how can anyone even think in that way...ewww....some oedipus complex). But often we impose what we know about someone in one domain to another domain, or assume that that person is just like how you know him or her, all the time.

But anyway, getting to know yourself is important. Life ought to be a journey of self-discovery. As you grow older, you'll start to gain insight into your own make-up as a person--your personality, your likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses,etc. It is particularly important to know how much you don't know rather than think that you know a lot cos' ego and pride are man's worst enemies (and often the cause of their downfall). We act as someone we want to be but not who we really are cos' we all like to be liked or like to be admired. Today, the trainer was going through a list of famous profilers and how their exaggerations and their false or inaccurate statements and testimonies had led to their doom. Those were mistakes committed in moments of folly when they allowed their own desire for fame and prestige to overcome their rational minds and overtake their conscience. It reminded me of my QT this morning because both the devotional material and bible-reading I was doing this morning both talked about desire--who or what is the desire in your life. And of course as Christians, Christ should be our desire, but being human, we could be lured into chasing riches and fame and allowing those desires to consume our righteousness.

Apologies for the kinda negative-sounding post. It's not meant to be something that is all happy and joyful, but rather something that I've been reflecting about. Perhaps something that will make me more aware of myself and others, that would make me a better person and a stronger Christian. God is a great God, He teaches me so many new things everyday and I really want to honour Him with my life. Hopefully I can become more aware of my fallacies so that I can learn to nip them in the bud before they wreck havoc in my life.

Praise God for His mercies for His live endures forever!

Had an enjoyable time in God's divine presence yesterday. Really felt that yesterday I really lived my sabbath for Him. After worshipleading in the morning, I managed to catch up with so many people in church whom I love! Initially, I was thinking of going back to do work (there was a selection course that ran through the weekend that I felt kind of obliged to go), but I decided that it wasn't totally necessary for me to be there. It felt so great submitting the Sunday to Him (and of course being able to detach myself from work totally). Can't wait for the weekend again!

What to say...

ANOTHER WEEK HAS PASSED AND SUNDAY'S HERE AGAIN! DREADING THE WEEK AHEAD COS THERE'S SO MUCH TO COMPLETE YET SO LITTLE TIME. HOWEVER I'VE BEEN RELYING ON HIS STRENGTH TO GET BY EACH DAY AND HE HAS BEEN FAITHFUL. CROSSING MY FINGERS AND PRAYING HARD THAT I'LL SURVIVE TILL MARCH WHEN I MEET MY "GIANTS" FACE TO FACE.

TODAY'S JAMMING WAS FRUITFUL. HAVEN'T ATTENDED IN A LONG WHILE. WAS GLAD THAT I CHOSE TO GO COS' GOD'S DIVINE PRESENCE WAS THERE. DID SOMETHING TO HURT HIM EARLIER THAT DAY. THE GUILT JUST CONSUMED ME FOR A MOMENT WHILE I WAS WORSHIPING. BUT I ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS AND AM SLOWLY TRYING TO FORGIVE MYSELF. FELT SO HORRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF. BUT I KNOW HE'S MERCIFUL AND WILL FORGIVE. BUT HUMAN NATURE ALWAYS CAUSES US TO EXPLOIT THAT FORGIVING AND GRACIOUS NATURE OF GOD. WE TRANSGRESS AGAINST HIM TIME AND AGAIN, IN THE FULL KNOWLEDGE THAT HE WILL FORGIVE US NO MATTER HOW WRONG IT IS.

TOMORROW I'LL BE WORSHIP LEADING. ACTUALLY, IT'S TODAY COS IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT. BEEN SLEEPING LATE TRYING TO RUSH SOME WORK AT HOME. I'M PREPARED BUT NOT CONFIDENT IN MYSELF. I'LL HAVE TO PUT MY CONFIDENCE IN GOD TOMORROW. LOOKING FORWARD TO A WONDERFUL TIME OF WORSHIP AND ALSO A FUN-FILLED DAY AFTER THAT. SIGH...AND THEN IT'S BACK TO THE DRUDGERY OF MONDAY.