Wow, Haven't blogged in such a long while. Been kinda busy recently plus I can't really access the internet at my convenience at home. Cannot establish steady connection from my room. Anyway, been coming home pretty late from work for the whole of last week. By the time you step into the house, the last thing you would want to do is to get onto your com and start checking your mails.

I moved to my new place last Thursday. All's been pretty good. It's a nice place--what more can I complain about. I'm in familiar territory--been roaming around this area for the past six years or so (though it took me really long to get familiar with the travelling, as most would agree that I'm the Hollan Queen). There are lots of eating places around; there's a gym and pool; and it looks like a resort so you are perpetually in a holiday-mood all year round. And I've got a nice room, with a good view of Bukit Timah Hill.

My parents have been the ones doing most of the leg-work; moving things from the old place to the new one. It's crazy trying to squeeze everything from a house into a condo. We've chucked out many things already, but still storage is quite a tricky issue in the new place. Felt quite guilty not being able to help them out with the transporting, unpacking, and cleaning up. In fact, now I still do. Nonetheless, got a way to make up for it. My mum's just left for UK last night. She'll be spending time with my sis over there for 3 months! So it's father and daughter bonding time with me and my dad. Well, need to show some fairness to my sis. I've been hogging onto my parents for the longest time. Now we each have one parent. So I'd probably need to step up on my contribution to the household--or rather begin doing something at home.

Had grand ideas to cook for my dad initially. Don't know how that's going to go. But I'll probably be the one doing the household chores. My dad's pretty much the traditional Chinese man that doesn't even know how to operate the microwave or cook instant mee. I know most fathers can do that at least! Will see how I can make time to keep him company too. Previously my mum and him were watching VCDs together, going to the movies, buying groceries and eating out together. Think I should make the effort and take the initiative to do things with him. Should start praying for a breakthrough in our relationship (not saying that it bad, just hope to build a stronger relationship).

Somehow as I reached university, I began to become more cognizant and reminded of my parents' mortality. As much as I enjoyed the sense of newfound freedom and autonomy, as well as the knowledge that I was able to accomplish greater things in life, I became very aware that the time I could spend with my parents was diminishing very quickly. I really dread the day when they'll leave me. At this point of time it's something that I won't be able to bear. I recall in 03 when my parents visited me in California at the end of my exchange, I hadn't seen them for close to half a year, and I remembered being so stunned when I saw how my dad had aged in that short period of time. The fact that I haven't seen them in months drew my attention to the vast difference. Now when we see our parents everyday, the ageing process is very gradual and we can't detect the difference.

Anyway, next week is going to be a super crazy week for me at work. Got a seminar coming up on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I've been arrowed to be the emcee! Heh, got to figure out what to wear. Got a whole load of interviews to do, and reports to write after those are done. Still got my project to do. Hope to clock in some hours of exercise too. Didn't manage to squeeze in any this week so I must aim to do a little this week. Want to also squeeze in some leisure time also. Still got vocal classes on Friday and Saturday--my Pastor managed to engage the Malaysian Idol voice coach to come down and do a workshop with us. Heard she's an annointed lady in Christ, man. Looking forward to that. Argh, so many things!! But that also reminds me that I got a lot of room to trust and rely on God. The good thing about being in a state brokenness or desperation is that you learn to cling onto Him. That's how I perceive it. Humans are like that: many times when everything seems so smooth-sailing and you're thriving, God seems like one of the last things on your mind. Relying on Him to bring me through this week, Amen!

Didn't blog yesterday cos' I was too busy when I got home. But it was a very frutiful day I must say. It was the second day of the course I have been attending this week. Didn't do much in fact, just managed to talk to my boss during the course about my reports. Gosh, got loads of stuff to complete.

Anyway, it was fun being with the interns and of course, Ah Mos too--cool and quirky bunch. Feel very at ease and comfortable (even with the lethal dosage of lame humor) going through the course with them around.

After I went home yesterday (at around 5 plus), I went jogging immediately. This was going to be the last time I'd be jogging round that neighbourhood. Kinda sad cos' it's really nice and quiet. Whenever I jogged there I felt as though I were abroad and away from the hustle bustle.

Met my cuz for dinner after that. He came over to pick me up and we went to West Coast for dinner, Hawker Centre opp Ginza Plaza. I ate my fried bee hoon with ngoh hiang--craving for days already. He ate like one bowl of slice fish bee hoon and one plate of carrot cake. Super hungry, man! Anyway, really enjoyed talking to him cos' we are so on the same frequency about God! And I can always be so candid and forthcoming in sharing my thoughts with him.

After that we went over to our uncle's place. His wife (the fun and friendly aunt we both like) recently had a little episode with her excretory system. She had to admit herself to A&E at SGH. Anyway, they've rectified the situation, but there are chances that a surgery might be required in the long run. We went to visit her and pray for her. My cuz also showed us his China mission trip pix. So glad that he has been seeking God so earnestly.

Met up with my two other female cousins too. And their dog (momo) which is super adorable. Hai...I'm so tempted to get one now. But I know I'd probably be a lousy owner. So putting that plan off for now. It's just so nice being with family and stepping into a home that I haven't been in ages but used to go there so often in my childhood. It's so nostalgic!

We stayed for pretty long. Reached home about 10 plus. My parents were busy packing stuff. Moving house the following day (that's today). Felt really guilty that I haven't been able to contribute much. They have been so stressed out and preoccupied with the shift. So many things and so little time. They've been staying up pretty late too. Anyway, I packed my stuff till 2 am...had to prepare for a lecture the following day as well (which I managed to but not according to the powerpoint slides :p).

Anway, also wanted to let my parents know that I love them--byproduct of the visiting, and feeling the importance of family. But when I went home and met them face to face, it just couldn't come out. It only came out as an apology to my mum that I wasn't able to help out much in the shift. Planning to buy my daddy dinner for Father's Day this Sunday night. Perhaps at a Teo Chew restaurant.

Went for the third day of the course feeling very tired today. But all turned out well with the lecture even though I didn't prepare accordingly to the slides that were shown. But the participants seemed okay. They seemed to enjoy the games we played. Also glad that they have been actively participating in the course--asking questions, giving their comments, and having fun during the games segments (though some of the games were pretty much games we played when we were much younger).

Took half day off to help with the shift. We got a group of movers to come and help us. They did a fanatastic job at a very reasonable rate. They were actually from a company that employs ex-cons. I'm really comforted and happy to see people helping them gain employment. These guys were very obliging in carrying the stuff and placing them as we instructed. We were also very appreciative towards their services.

Wow, it feels funny stepping into my now empty house. Feel a huge sense of heaviness seeing it like that and hearing the echoes. I feel quite sad leaving this place. I've lived here all my life (actually moved in only when I was 5 but had no memories of the old house at Dedap Road). I'm gonna miss it very much. I'm also very reminded that my life has moved into a new phase, and Im growing older. Last week I just freaked out when this thought that I was going to be 24 this year just assaulted my mind. I don't wanna grow old!!! Time seems to flash by so quickly when you get to your twenties. Still wanna enjoy my youth so much, esp so cos' I feel that I haven't been able to attempt many things (proper things of cos').

Have to get used to the new place. Funny thing is that I'm moving to familiar terrain. Past few years I've been travelling to that area so much. Maybe that was God's plan for me so that I won't "holland" so much when I move. Even so, I feel so away from home just being in that area. Oh well, hope I'll get used to it. For now, I'm just feeling so homesick!!!

This has been a long entry. Got to check out now. I'm actually at my old house now, using the broadband as my parents tidy up some of their stuff. Wow, it's almost 11 pm...gotta chow. Gonna spend my first night at the new place. Another milestone in my life.

Blessed to Bless

Experienced several acts of kindness today! Prayed that God would send someone to sign me in today cos' I left my pass at PCC. Ended up not only meeting one, but two! Later on, an officer from PCC drove down to my office to pass me my pass. Wasn't expecting that, in fact I was thinking of going down to PCC during lunch to collect it.

Played badminton with colleagues during lunch. That was fun. But I must admit that I am pretty lousy at that sport. Keep hitting the air. But we had fun nonetheless. Was so shiok working out and taking a shower after that. After that some of us when down to Novena Coldstorage to do some shopping for the course tomorrow.

Service at Coldstorage was superb. The sales assistant was very kind in helping us get the stuff we wanted, and made sure that we could transport our stuff to our vehicle. He was very eager to help us, and even when he couldn't, he got someone else to come and help us. They were all very kind. Really impressed with their friendliness and top-notch service.

At the end of work today, I went for a jog with my colleague around Mount Pleasant and Thomson area. Quite siong cos' got a slope, but we managed to pull through. We had a great jog, after that it felt so shiok! Was fun jogging in a new area as well. Could take in all the sights and scenes.

Today was a good day, but now I'm suffering from a terrible headache. Gonna give a lecture tomorrow somemore. Gosh! Hope God will grant me the grace and mercy to deliver well. Still having terrible heart palpitations and shortness of breath sensations. Pray that God will heal me soon. It's really uncomfortable.

It's a lonely Saturday night. Came home after having dinner at Golden Mile with my parents and seeing some furniture at the Furniture Mall at Beach Road. Then I took a shower and now am still thinking of what songs to do for tomorrow's youth...taking a break now actually, listening to jazz and nice slow oldies while I type my blog entry.

Really love the sound of loungey, jazzy music...I've got this sudden desire to sing at some lounge. Also, have this surge of loneliness creeping in to my heart. Maybe it's the music. Kinda wishing that I have someone to listen to the music with me. Feel quite down today...actually I think Saturdays are always depressing for me--at least for the past few months.

Slept too much in the afternoon. Looks like I'll be very sober and awake tonight for quite some time. I haven't got all my songs yet. No inspiration from God yet...

Dear Lord, please help me to find joy in You. I love You, Lord. Please help me to serve You with a cheerful heart every single day. I need You, Lord. Remind me of Your goodness and Your promises, Lord. Thank You, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Finally brought some closure to that emotional roller-coaster ride. Definitely stronger and more emotionally-resilient than before. Experienced a spiritual growth spurt and matured as a person. Grateful to God and His "little" helper...:)

For the past two weeks, I've been focusing my mind on my job and my friends. Finally decided to act on bringing some proper closure last night. Did it with a little anxiety but I was determined to settle it once and for all.

Felt a little down after that. I guess I moved from the immediate phase of detachment and subsequently proactive phase of tackling the problem head-on, to this lastest and current phase of griefing. Not that I'm very upset, but just feel a new void.

Somehow, I'm experiencing a state of ambivalence. On one hand I feel a loss--beautiful memories and enjoyable times, on the other hand I'm looking forward to developing other aspects of my life like my friendships and work.

But I suppose I feel the sadness now cos' the loss is immediate, while the gains are to be experienced in the future. I need to look past the present and focus on the future for now. The feeling of loss is going to be transient. I just have to fix my eyes on God now.

I'm also very thankful and glad that I won't be nasty, mean and annoying to him anymore. I don't want to be a horrible person, or at least feel like a horrible or lousy person. It'll probably take some time for my esteem to heal. Putting my faith on God.

Thank God that I have friends and family that I can turn to. I'm not alone. God has been very merciful and gracious to me. He didn't give me something too difficult to bear. He made it easy and gradual. I love these people so much.

Finally, I'm glad that I didn't make an enemy. God gave me a gift 6+ years ago--a wonderful friend and companion--that never gave up on me even though I hurt him greatly. It's because of this person that I'm seeing hope in having another new friend in someone else.

Praise God!

Watched CSI and the lastest crime show on TV called "Criminal Minds". The new show's pretty cool. It's all about profilling and forensic psychology. It revolves around an elite team of profilers from the Behavioural Analysis Unit of the FBI, who analyse the most twisted criminal minds, and anticipate their next moves before they strike again. In the first episode, Special Agent Jason Gideon, the FBI's top behavioural analyst, joins the team led by Special Agent Aaron Hotchner, a family man who is able to gain people's trust and unlock their secrets. Together with Special Agents Elle Greenaway (agent with a background in sexual offences), Derek Morgan (expert on obsessional crimes) and Dr. Spencer Reid (a genius with an IQ of 184), the two men track down a serial killer who preys on young women in the Washington area. Gideon is engaged to profile this bloodthirsty predator before he kills his new prey. He gives an amazingly (pretty out there!) comprehensive psychological profile--broken childhood, insecure sexuality--that leads to a suspect who ends up being an accomplice of the true murderer. Subsequently, based on gathered evidence and accounts, Gideon and Greenaway manage to locate and stop the killer on time, before he murdered the girl. What I like about the show are the psychological elements--the profile of the criminal, motives and emotional triggers, the modus operandi. A new show to look forward to after CSI. Another cop show coming up on Channel 8 is CID. Hope it reflects some realistic bits of being in CID.

Got a punctured tyre today! Ran over some piece of concrete the size of half a brick. Felt the car slowly lowering to that side where the wheel was situated as I drove along the PIE after running over it. Then I started smelling burnt rubber and so I stopped at the road shoulder. I got off and examined the tyre which was very badly punctured. I called my parents immediately, followed by AA and asked them to come down to render assistance. As I waited with the car (after putting the breakdown triangle of course), a gamut of emotions and thoughts stirred up in my head. Foremost in my mind was how my dad would react (that wasn't the first time I ran over something on the road. I ran over some motobike fibreglass casing left abandoned on the road that got stuck in between the car and the road before. I dragged it for over a km before stopping and getting help from two kind gentlemen who helped me remove it). I was kinda prepared for a scolding. Next was how lousy I felt over having ran over something for the second time. I had some "should-have"s ringing in my mind. Then the money issue came into my mind. Was thinking how much I would have to spend getting this settled--such a waste of money! I also recall telling God "as if my life isn't bad enough!"

Anyway, dad and mum came. But they didn't scold me, neither did they make me feel bad in any way. Praise God! My dad even offered to send me to church (I was on my way for youth service and was late) and he did. On the way there he didn't mention anything about the tyre at all. Even when we ended up exiting at the wrong exit on the expressway and I was a little uncertain and slower in giving directions, there wasn't any form of impatience displayed. Phew! Anyway, I made it to church though I was late (was hesitating about going to church earlier cos' of the punctured tyre and punctured esteem and morale. I called someone who said that he'll see me in church and I knew I should go to church, so I decided to eventually). Glad that I went to church. When I got there, the worship team was already at the slow songs. I settled down and tried to focus on God. Somehow it was difficult initially, but I simply went on to count my blessings and thank Him for all that transpired. After Ps. Heidi's sermon (which was very interactive and refreshing), James gave an altar call and several of the youths went up. I really thank God for this cos' if I didn't go to church I would've missed the opportunity to pray for some of them, and be ministered in the midst of doing so. God gave me the words to pray and I could just sense how much He was reminding me of certain things that I already knew but needed to be reminded of through the praying. After the altar call, we had small groups during which I exhorted my small group to be more open to share deeper stuff. I also found the courage to share my personal issues. I really hope that we can achieve a higher level of intimacy in our small group.

Thank God I went to church. God always rewards me when I choose to do so. I really felt the devil just putting obstacles in my way today, but I didn't allow him to defeat me. Praise the Lord!

Honesty is such an important thing to have today. Our brains always try to make assumptions about the things people do. We end up feeling angry or hurt depending on how we interpret people’s actions. So sometimes we need to be honest and frank, but that again takes a lot of skill. It must be done tactfully, not with the intention to hurt that person but out of genuine concern, and must also be done at the appropriate times. In addition, we need to know who we can be honest with, like our close friends and relatives. Being honest is an art and it takes a lot of emotional intelligence to do it well. Sometimes we can’t be totally truthful with people—like I can’t say how I don’t like the present you gave me for my birthday! At the end of the day, if we don’t tell people how we feel towards them and instead react to them according to how we feel, it’s not really fair because you haven’t given them a chance to defend themselves. Striking a balance between complete honesty and sensitivity towards the other party's feelings is indeed something that we probably have to constantly learn how to manage.