What a fine way to start the day...
(just ramblings)

I felt vulnerable today. A vulnerability that contained uncertainty and feelings of self-doubt overwhelmed my ego. And perhaps the need, as Freud would gladly allude to, to get this off my chest motivated me in taking this initial step to log on to blogger. I don't feel comfortable and secure where I am and about the decisions I've made. Wobbly is the word, I guess. Again the same old familiar worry about the next five years boiling into my consciousness and I'm asking myself whether I should or should not rather than whether I want or do not want. And I'm keeping all these things ambiguous in my writing here cos' I don't want to be driving people nuts with "there she goes again..."

The debate fueling the anxiety right now is going into something challenging vs. going into something safe (and safe meaning something I feel totally confident and comfortable about). Well, the latter option seems to be a lost cause right now because of the amount of psychological investment lavished on the prospect of the former option and efforts into fulfilling it. It seems to me at my current state of mind that the defensive pessimist in me would prefer a very prevention-focused orientation in which I do something safe, something that I know I can do, something that I'm know I can do well in. Yet the challenge that derives from the other is intellectually stimulating yet pressurizing and anxiety-provoking (at least at the present moment). To make it more concrete, I'm just not sure whether I'm smart and creative enough. There you go...I said it. I guess I'm not afraid of the potential failure; what's more fearful to me is the knowing that I've actually failed. A blow to my esteem or ego (whatever).

Now I guess I am coping...coping with all these mixed feelings and actions within my means so to speak. I'm just treading water as hard as I can and trying to stay afloat until December comes. Then things will be out of my locus of control and a sense of relief would ensue. Then God could take over (though I know God should already be in control right now...I am cognizant of that, but perhaps not feeling it as much as I would like to).