Confessions of an OBSESSIVE Foodie

I'm driving myself crazy with my eating habits! And when I mean 'crazy', I refer to 'paranoia', 'obsessive', 'depression' and 'anxiety'--pre-onset symptoms of psychological dysfunction. No exaggerations. This is a cry for help; a signal of distress; an SOS call! Funny thing is I have this unusual calm on the exterior, but an uncontrollable emotional tug-of-war raging in my mind that transmits guilt impulses throughout my entire system. It's spawning into some kind of learned helplessness (it began as something that I felt I was in full control of--that I could adjust my eating habits and diet anytime, and go back to the old school where discipline reigned and char kuay teow didn't matter--I mean this figuratively, not exactly a die-hard fan of the 'delicacy'). Help, Lord!

Everything seems to be working against me: the ongoing International Makan Festival seems to dole out food by the min; the stash at my house keeps crying out to me; and the lust for food extends to the marketplace--the best hokkien mee, Japanese novelty desserts, Chendol ice-cream, mee siam (mai hum), etc...I miss the days when tuna in a can was so gratifying and slices of softmeal were heavenly. Now, my palates are being spoilt for choice and being tantalised everyday. My fridge gets frequent visits and the screws attached to the cupboard doors in my kitchen are loosening each day. My stomach is a Black Hole!

Guilt sets in and spurs me on to run more and more every week. Then confusion sets in and I don't know whether my increased appetite is due to the rise in metabolism or pure gluttony. And I ask myself when can I fit into my two pairs of jeans that I cannot buckle anymore when I put them on now (three actually, haven't tried my skinny jeans which are so 'in' now but I lack the courage to take that stab). My booty's going to match J Lo's soon--sad to say I don't have her tiny waist and killer curves.

I need help...I need to keep to my word (I've been telling myself to diet for weeks now--strictly speaking I am on one...a sinful carbs and sugar-ladan diet!). I want to have balance in my life. Not turn vegan or become a 'Kate Moss'--or in Sing context a "Pat Mok"! I just want to be slim again and not stumpy lil' Dopey from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (and defintely not dress like him too...to conceal the unsightly flab!) Yikes, my dad just called me "bak bak(4)". There was this recent article in the Life section about this guy who was dissing girls who pecked at their food and counted calories religiously (I used to be like that and of course slimmer, not too sure whether happier though). No, I don't want to be a guy detractor!

Nowadays I enjoy my food tremendously (feel liberated after my 'breaking of fast' of 'sinful' food). The shiokness spells it all on my face and I guess people around me are amazed initially by the immense gratification I display, but even more stunned by my humongous appetite for a 'still' petite and tiny-framed gal. Been getting more signs that I need to take drastic action about my diet--among them was "shou(4) shen(1) nan(2) nu(3)" on Channel U yesterday starring Andy Lau and Sammie Cheng who were trying to desperately lose weight. Looking at the mirror's becoming as dreadful as seeing my report card after a lousy lit paper. That's why my back's been suffering cos' of the killer heels I've been wearing to deceive myself of my stumpiness.

My new role-model is Drew Barrymore. It always amazes me how she manages to survive in an industry where stockiness is valued and just a inch of flab bulging from your stomach is captured and ridiculed at in the 'un-glam' section of People magazine. She's so comfortable being in her own skin (wanted to quote something she said that was featured in "Her World" but can't recall the exact words...something about rather being fat than not eat properly). Really admire that. Below are some other quotes from her that I quite like. Find her remarkable also because she had survived drugs and depression, with a wonderfully positive attitude and zest for life.

Gotta start praying for discipline and for food to not govern my life anymore. Sometimes I feel that I'm just filling the emptiness in my life with food. I hate that! I want it back to the way it was before, when calories didn't matter and hunger pangs didn't torment me. Help, Lord. I need Your divine hand in this. My mind has no rein over my desires anymore. Take control and rid me of this horrible 'idol' I need to cease kow-towing to. Help Lord. This is my cry of desperation and plea. I don't want to be a slave to my taste buds anymore. Take control, take the wheel and steer me out of this obsession. Thank you Lord. I put my faith in You alone. Help me not to take things into my own hands but rely on Your strength and wisdom. Praise be to You alone, Amen.

Drew Barrymore quotes:

1. God made a very obvious choice when he made me voluptuous; why would I go against what he decided for me? My limbs work, so I'm not going to complain about the way my body is shaped. Drew Barrymore

2. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I think it's important to seek out that reason - that's how we learn. Drew Barrymore

3. I don't want to be stinky poo poo girl, I want to be happy flower child.

4. I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end. Drew Barrymore

5. I never want to get to the point where it's all about my needs, and the hell with anybody else. Drew Barrymore

6. I understand there are inevitable things that we have to go through: heartbreak, famly problems. I don't feel like some quixotic idiot who says, 'We don't have to feel pain.' No! Let's feel it, let's make it work for ourselves. But I want us all to be able to get past it. Drew Barrymore

7. I used to look in the mirror and feel shame, I look in the mirror now and I absolutely love myself. Drew Barrymore

8. I want people to be blown away when I do what they don't expect. Drew Barrymore

9. It's only through listening that you learn, and I never want to stop learning. Drew Barrymore Kisses, even to the air, are beautiful. Drew Barrymore

10. Life is very interesting... in the end, some of your greatest pains, become your greatest strengths. Drew Barrymore

11. My whole life, I've wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. It's the most liberating thing in the world. Drew Barrymore

12. There's something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk. Drew Barrymore

13. When things are perfect, that's when you need to worry most. Drew Barrymore

14. When you've been locked up in a mental institution, people are going to ask questions. It was OK, because I didn't have to act perfect all the time. Drew Barrymore

15. You've just got to do the best that you can. Drew Barrymore