It's been such a long while since I last blogged. Yep, been busy. Too busy lazying around and watching shows online and on TV. Anyway, I've decided to blog because something happened to me yesterday that necessitates some kind of cathartic release I guess. 

Just a quick update, I submitted 2 applications to 2 separate PhD programs at the end of last year. One was to a PhD program in the Social Psych department of Columbia uni, and the other was to the B-School at Columbia, the marketing division. Yesterday, I felt my flicker of hope just diminish and disappear. 

The PhD application results will be out soon, but I sense my hope dissipating by the day. These are two very difficult programs to get in and I've chosen (and I'm not too sure whether is by pure faith or sheer laziness) to place all my eggs in once basket by limiting my options to these two places. Yesterday, I learnt of news that my application is being pitted against very strong competition and realistically I know my chances are close to a mere zero.

The Lord was gracious. Just before I left the apartment yesterday, I did a quick read of the daily bread my mum gave me when she dropped by New York. It was regarding the loss of Manchester United, the football club, when a plane carrying the team crashed leaving only one surviving member who rebuilt the team and restored its former glory to what we knew Man-U to be in the 1990s and early 2000s. In the same way, when Jesus died and all hope seemed to be lost, He resurrected from the dead, sat at the right hand of God in Heaven, and became our bridge to God and eternity. Although the mesage didn't impact me much as I left the apartment, but somehow the message was instructing readers to know that in all tragedy and loss, the Lord has the capability to restore and bestow greatness in all situations. I knew no matter what I had nothing to fear.

I shan't deny that I was extremely devastated. This is no life and death matter; it's merely something that I really want. But still I've been trying to apply since 2007 and I am pretty much tired now. Although I know this round I might not get in because all odds are stacked against me, I'm going to hang on and persist because God appreciates persistence in prayer and in effort. And hopefully my faith (and my applications next year) will take me there someday. As I reflect on my life, I realize how the Lord works with me. He usually opens one door and inspires hope, then closes that door but opens another that brings another spark of hope. As this door closes, I don't know what is behind the next that opens. But it usually is something better and beyond what I can imagine. Now I just need to prod on...

My Traveling Ordeal: To Montana and back

It seems a little too late to blog about this. Nonetheless, I am going to journal this down while it is still fresh in my mind, to remind me of God's goodness in helping me endure and navigate through life's little distresses that presented during my travel to Montana and back.

21st December 2008 (Saturday):
I hopped onto the Super Shuttle to fetch me to Newark Airport, New Jersey, only to realize that both the boot straps belonging to the 300-dollar pair of UGG boots I just purchased the night before were no longer on my boots. Unstrapped and dangling from my boots as I was making the 100m dash for the shuttle (rushing late as usual), they had fallen off--one at the lobby area of my apartment building, and the other into the heap of snow at the sidewalk of Broadway where my building was. Immensely distress set in (although technically I could still put on and secure the shoes). I immediately made an SOS call for help to retrieve my boot straps. After 4 repeated phone calls that went unanswered, I decided to leave a text message. Fortunately, my phone call was responded to eventually (after a grueling 10 min wait as my shuttle drove further and further uptown), and my boot straps were found. Thank God! Thinking that the worse had happened and nothing else should go wrong after that little "setback" (well, I said that too early). I made it onto the shuttle and got to Newark in good time. The check-in queue was terribly long, but unsuspecting of any possible complications that could arise, I waited in line thinking that I was early and time was on my side. To cut the long story short, the queue barely moved after 2 hours and rumors of the flight being canceled were verified to be true. By the time I got to the counter, I was informed that my flight to Minneapolis, where my connecting flight to Montana was supposed to take off from, was canceled and the next earliest flight they could give me was on the following Tuesday, 23rd Dec. With that, my vacation period was reduced by half from a week to three days four nights (my airticket cost approx USD1400!). Resigned, I took a 2-hour-ish ride on the express bus and subway back to Manhatten, and trekked back on the icy ground to my apartment, lugging my luggage along. It was utterly distressing and awfully! The weather was freezing and the journey back was very rough (to keep the story short, I won't elaborate). Oh well, at least I wasn't stranded in the airport with nowhere to go.

23rd December, 2008 (Tuesday):
This time I was determined to fly, but it sure wasn't going to happen without a struggle. My shuttle was 15 min late. The driver dilly-dallied and by the time we got onto the highway to Jersey, we were stuck in a traffic jam. The whole journey was stressful for me. By the time I got to the airport, it was half an hour to departure time. I noticed that the queue was short at the check-in area and thought I would be able to make it, but before I could even heave a sigh of relief that I made it, I was told that they had "locked down" on all check-ins for the flight I was taking. I went hysterical!! I was in disbelief. I went to the counter to demand an explanation. They said there was nothing they could do. I hurled at the counter staff and demanded a refund if I wasn't going to be permitted to go onboard. I was intensely furious. They told me that I had to call up their office to enquire about and obtain any refund. I was livid because I had been making phone calls to the airline (which I would not explicitly mention here) for the past few days to enquire about earlier flights out to Kalispell, Montana, but I hadn't been able to get through. Adamant about making it onboard this time, I continued to create a scene. The manager subsequently made a check on the system and realized that I had made a prior check-in online and that I should be allowed to board the plane. They directed me to rush to the gate. There were other passengers queuing at counter that did not make it on the flight because they didn't. With 10 min before the plane took off, I ran to the gate with my luggage, and eventually made it. That was really close. Subsequently, I managed to fly to Minneapolis and caught my connecting flight to Kalispell. Thank God!

27 December, 2008 (Saturday):
After the nightmare I had experienced in my trip to Montana, I wasn't expecting anymore hiccups. But I guess God had other plans to stretch my limits and challenge me. A snow storm was anticipated to arrive in Kalispell after 11am on Saturday. At 8.30 am, I boarded my plane after checking in my baggage, unsuspecting of what was to come and thinking that I was going to miss the impending storm. Shortly after boarding, I was kinda sleepy and dozed off in the plane before take-off. At around 9.10 am, I was awoken by a small commotion. I openned my eyes and to my amazement the plane had not taken off! A lady in the seat across the aisle and diagonally behind me was sobbing away, moaning that she had to fly to Washington because she had a job. In the words of the 11-year-old boy sitting in the seat behind me, she appeared to be "mentally disturbed". Shortly, a ground staff from the airline came onboard and coaxed her to leave the plane with the assurance that alternative arrangements would be made for her to travel to Washington. Apparently, the plane couldn't take off because the runway was too slippery and the plane was too heavy to fly. The flight attendant requested for 8 volunteers to leave the plane--each passenger would be compensated with a $300 airline voucher. After 8 volunteers left, they did a count and requested for 7 more people to get off the plane. And then, 4 more, and eventually 1 more. After 20 minutes of tension and suspense, the plane was de-iced (they sprayed some redish-fluid and green substance all over the body of the plane), we finally took off. By then it was 9.30 am and the flight had been delayed for an hour.

When I reached St. Paul International Airport, my connecting flight to Newark had taken off. I was re-booked on a flight that was 5 hours later to Detroit, Michigan, for a connecting flight back to New Jersey. With no boarding pass issued and simply given verbal instructions to go to Gate F7 to wait for my next flight out to Detroit, I felt utterly unsettled. Thank God, I made an SOS call to New York, and was able to check-in online for seats onboard the flights I was taking. I secured my seats and made it to Detroit and finally back to Newark. I reached Newark at 11.30pm (according to the original itinery, I was supposed to meet my parents at the airport at 4.50pm!). To cut the long story short, my baggage was located to be stuck in Minneapolis. I left my details and went to the ground transport counter to call for a Super Shuttle. The shuttle came after 90 min, and by the time I reached home, it was 2 am. I was upset but relieved to have made it back safely.

28 and 29 December 2008:
Around half past 10 at night, I received a voice mail message from the baggage services instructing me to give them a call on their hotline. They informed me that my baggage would be delivered to me soon and the driver would call me when he made the delivery. I got home close to midnight, and the driver had yet to call. I made another phone call to the hotline and they said the driver would call me. Close to 2 am, the driver had not called and I gave up and went to bed. Shortly after 3 am, I was awakened by a phone call. The driver was on the line and told me that he was nearby and that he would be arriving shortly to deliver my baggage. Rustling out of bed and putting on my coat, I rushed down to receive him and finally got my luggage back. But I certainly wasn't happy from being awakened at 3 am in the morning!

The UN-GLAM of staying in a cool city like New York.

New York always sounds so cool, doesn't it? When I told several friends that I'll be going to NYC for my postgrad, they seemed so envious of me. Hollywood films perpetuate the image of NYC as being one of the greatest and most exciting cities in the world--well, I guess the exception would be films that depict aliens invading the planet or something catastrophic striking the world; such things always tend to happen in Manhattan in those fictional films, don't they?! Shows like Gossip Girl, Sex & the City, etc. show the glamorous side of living in NYC. Haha but they don't include the UN-GLAM parts of it. 

Today, the UN-GLAM part of living here was glaring to me. There was a snow storm. And it wasn't nice. I can't deny that it looked beautiful; everything was covered with a blanket of wintery white. However, as my friend, Esther, astutely recognized, "It's pretty when you look at it from inside through the window, not so when you are outside!" It's really gorgeous when in the initial stages when the snow flakes fall, but it's a totally nasty experience when it inches of snow accumulate on the sidewalks and pavements and especially horrible when the ice starts to melt. Amidst the heavy snowfall today was slush all over the ground that made walking along Broadway (and many places in New York and Jersey as a matter of fact) a hazardous experience.

I found myself slipping into the self-pity mode so many times today! I was blaming myself for not wearing my Wellington boots out. I wore the other pair which was not impervious to water. When the snow started to melt, puddles formed everywhere. Worse still, the puddle surfaces were shrouded by ice so I ended up stepping into puddles several times and some were pretty deep. After a while, my boots got wet and water seeped through, soaking my feet and chilling my toes! It was a real nasty experience. Anyway, thank God I made it to Harry's Shoe Store just 10 min before it closed and bought myself a USD300 pair of UGG boots that are waterproof. I knew I had to, otherwise I won't survive Montana in the next couple of days (it's like -14 degrees celsius over there!) 

Living in a country with winter is really a hassle. Not that I'm dismissing it totally; I do like the beautiful sights and the experience of 4 seasons. However, there are downsides that people like us who are born and bred in warm and sunny (and humid) Singapore just don't see. It seems so cool being able to wear jackets, and to mix and match different layers and accessories, but it is really costly buying so many different kinds of clothing, shoes and other stuff. Plus, the time I take to change into something (and change out) takes forever! Sometimes carrying those big coats around can be rather troublesome too. I can go on and on about the inconveniences, but one thing I realized is that life in Singapore tends to be more straightforward and efficient because we don't have the complications of dramatic climatic changes. We won't get stuck at Bukit Batok because of a snow storm, nor do we need foreign labor to shovel the snow off the pavements. We don't need to expend large amounts of energy to heat our homes (although Singaporeans probably spend a lot on air-conditioning!), or experience a drop in productivity because of harsh weather.  

So do I like living in NYC?? Haha, I'm just complaining and whining for now. I still enjoy the experience and these are just culture shocks I guess. They make me miss home. Whatever it is, I'll always remember Tuesday night (this week) when I was walking outside as it just started to snow. It was a magical experience. I have seen snow before, but that night was just awesome. It was so beautiful that I couldn't help but feel this joy well inside me and it made me want to praise the Lord. I'm still thankful that He brought me here, and I'm looking forward to the great things He will do soon. He has led me from place to place, closing one door and opening another, and I just can't wait to see where the final destination of this hope He has ignited in me will be. Hopefully, I'll get to stick around for a while. I just bought close to USD600 worth of North Face gear (and that 300-dollar-boots), I think I can tahan the snow at least in NYC, not too sure about Montana. 

REJECTION: LET'S FACE IT!

Let's face it, rejection is a fact of life. And if you are still young and naive to this world, I'm sorry to tell you this truth. What matters most however, is how you choose to respond to it--with despondence or endurance. 

I got my first rejection today. Well, technically not my first cos' last I remembered earlier this year I did receive 14 Ph.D. application rejections (maybe not 14 cos' some schools didn't even bother mailing me a letter of rejection!), but today's, I guess, was the first rejection I got for a journal submission. So that's a first!

Although I am a defensive pessimist who doesn't usually hold my hopes too high just in case my ego plummets in the face of a failure, I can't deny the disappointment I felt. I mean, it's only natural to feel upset, angry, or hurt when you encounter rejection. Some would even argue it's evolutionarily adaptive cos' emotions spur us toward action--and hopefully constructive action. But thank God my co-author (my prof) was reassuring and encouraging in conveying the news. It definitely buffered me from the impact of the rejection. Now, I need to channel my energies toward picking up the pieces and getting back into shape with that paper, which I know I can.

It's amazing what rejection can do to you. It can make or break you. For some, rejection just feeds into their desire to succeed; for others, it can become a traumatic experience that paralyzes their will to pursue their interests, or a scar that can carry grievance and pain for a long time. Well of course, for another group it probably doesn't make any difference--there's always room for statistical variability in our responses to rejection yah? Whatever the case, today I chose to praise God in the face of rejection. For it is in our weakness, that God's strength is truly revealed. God has this knack of using the meek to do the most remarkable things, and using trials to mold us into greater beings. I recalled all the good things He had done, and reminded myself that I really have nothing to complain about. 

What really prompted me to blog tonight wasn't my dejection over being rejected. Rather I just felt this familiar tingling, magical feeling that God was at work today. On Monday, I felt motivated to prepare my application package, and submit it to the office way before the deadline, which is 1 Jan 09. So on Tuesday afternoon, motivated me went down to the bookstore to get envelops to put my transcript and supporting documents into. This afternoon (Wednesday), my package was dropped off at the PhD office. The supporting documents included my CV, which under the "publications" section had my journal title written there as "under review". Obviously, I can't do anything about it now (I had just received the rejection) because the CV has been submitted with my package. Well, I could email the office and tell them that my manuscript had been rejected and change its status, but that would cause too much of a hassle and irritate the staff handling the applications--not a wise move. So somehow everything worked out such that my CV still looks good, and I didn't intentionally hide the news of the rejection from them. In any case, it shouldn't hurt my prospects that much. Besides, I could always change the status to "manuscript in preparation" or something like that. I would update them when I do get through to the interviews. NONETHELESS, I can't help but feel the tingling feeling that God was at work somehow, and He still is. He has given me much more than I can ever imagine, and a wonderful testimony that can encourage and uplift others (haha, shan't reveal anything here for now). So for this and other things, I can only look to Him in awe, and praise Him for His wonderful grace and favor on me.  

Rejection? Hahahaha. Laugh at it. If you deserve to be rejected, then do something it. If you feel rejected unjustly, be it by someone you had treated with respect or someone you totally don't know (like the editor of the journal I submitted to), remember that God frowns upon injustice and He promises in the bible that the unjust will be paid their dues. And even if the whole world rejects you, which is clearly impossible cos' you won't be able to meet everyone in the entire world in your lifetime (duh!), remember that Christ loved you so much that He gave His life to pay for your sins. It's like having the favor of the King. If you have the favor of the King, why would you need the favor of His men? Anyway, pleasing God can sometimes win you the favor of men. Doesn't mean that you'll definitely be rejected by people because of your faith; I guess it's more accurate to think that we should love God and follow Him in spite of the possibility of losing favor with men. Okay, getting into too much theology. Need to stop here now.

Pray A Prayer of AUTHORITY Today.

We sang a song during the service today. It went like, "Tell the mountain to move away; tell the mountain to move away; move away, move away". I could really feel the conviction in the crowd as they were singing it. I felt so convicted myself.

It reminded me of how we need to pray prayers of authority at certain times. Whatever circumstance you are going through, be it a "mountain" or situation you feel has reached a stalemate or seemingly hopeless situation, perhaps you should take up the staff today, just as Moses did when he led the Israelites out of Egypt, and "tell that mountain to move away". Bring forth your petition to God with prayer and fasting, and at the same time, pray with authority.

Matthew 17 (NKJV)
20 So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. 21 However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”

Mark 11 (NKJV)
22 So Jesus answered and said to them, “Have faith in God. 23 For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. 24 Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.

"What does a CEO, a president, and a goldfish have in common?"

This question was posed several weeks ago to the congregation at TSC by a visiting Pastor. Don't think too hard cos' this is no IQ question, neither is it some psychoanalytical question aimed at detecting some of your innermost desires and unconscious conflicts. Think abstract. Yes, they have to breathe to live, they need food to survive, yada, yada, yada. There's nothing shocking really in the answer. They all will face the ineluctable fate of death's grip over their lives.

The Pastor mentioned two points that stuck with me: 1) LIFE IS SHORT (and I'm sure all you oldies out there like myself can fully comprehend and appreciate this fact, as we start to disregard the need for candles on our cake during our special day every year, and notice the inches amassing at our waists!) 2) LIFE CAN BE WASTED. This second point struck me hard. It's bad enough that life is as fleeting as a vapor; worse still, one can look back and express regret over the lost time that can never be reclaimed.

One of my favorite songs in secondary school was this song by Joni Mitchell, "The Circle Game". I used to sing it when I was walking home along Old Holland Road, being extra careful to notice if there were people approaching me from behind (don't worry, I wasn't being hypervigilant or oversensitive about anything). I remember lowering my voice, or pretending to clear my throat, when people approached. I was pretty shy, you know. Anyway, I loved the chorus of this song:

And the seasons they go round and round,
And the painted ponies go up and down,
We're captives on the carousel of time,
We can't return we can only look behind from where we came,
And go round and round and round on the circle game.

Yep, we are captive to the eventual fate of turning to dust and ashes. This may sound moribund and bleak, but it's a truth that we need to resign to. Of course, if you're Christian (like how I am), you'll believe in an eternity that far outweighs the pleasures of life on earth. However, that doesn't mean that your stay on earth should lay to waste. As I look back on my life (I'm still fresh and in my prime, so no complaints!), I recall times when I wished time would just fly by, and other times when I wished that time would just freeze and God would allow me to revel in the state forever. Unfortunately, we're not a "Hiro Nakamura"; we don't have super powers to time travel or freeze time. Man hasn't evolved to a state where we are able to dictate which time periods to fast forward, and which to configure to a slow playback speed---in it's literal sense, that would be pretty hilarious.

Whatever it is the chilling thought that "LIFE CAN BE WASTED" spoke volumes to me that day, and it continues to do so. As I'm in the midst of my PhD applications and juggling research and coursework, I can't help but wonder where all these would eventually lead me to. It's exciting really and I'm glad for the doors the Lord had shut and opened. Yet my mind can't stop dwelling on the paradoxical fact of life: That most of us spend a huge portion of our lives striving hard just to enjoy a piece of respite amidst the labors of life, so that we can retire at 65 and pay our kids' college education, (and in America, pay off our mortgages). Perhaps then we can take our time to do everything we ever wanted...hopefully we still have that energy and zeal to do so.

Whenever I go on FB, I'm pretty consoled by the photos I see. Perhaps it's just how the yuppies of this generation are able to enjoy life and play hard a little more than the Baby Boomers. Posted photos consist of travel and food and fun and babes and sand and the sea. I guess we all need a little comfort amidst the stresses of life. But at the end of the day, how much of everyone's lives are meaningful, I wonder. In the first place, should that be some higher goal driving our lives, or are we supposed to just drink and make merry since life is short and we are bound to die anyway. Of course again, being Christian, I would take the former view.

The Perils of Living Under Someone Else's Roof!

It's been a while since I've blogged, so I thought I'd just shed the laziness and get back into business. Actually, the truth of the matter is, somehow I am now caught in a situation with too much time in my hands. This is weird because I've been super busy and my to-do list has been lengthening. But perhaps super-efficient me (as always...haha) has managed to complete everything I need to do for now. Or that's what I think... So what to do with too much time in my hands? Blog lor. 

This title came to me this morning not long after I woke up from bed. Don't worry, my landlady's not mistreating me, nor is she restricting me in any way. It's just that everyone living in my apartment shares one bathroom, and sometimes our needs arise at the same time (haha, sounds a little crude).  In the mornings I usually wake up with a full bladder and my first urge is to clear it. And this morning, there was nothing different. I wanted to pee but there was someone in the bathroom. So how? Ren(3) lor.

This little toilet crisis has happened to me several times already. I found myself having to hold my pee, and wait for whoever is inside to finish up whatever business in there. Hai, at home in Singapore I have my attached bathroom. And even if that was unavailable, we have four other bathrooms in our apartment! I miss my room :( and more so the luxury of not having to hold my pee in. It's so nice living in your own place and not having to worry about using the kitchen or lying on the couch in the living room...Can't wait to get my own place! Hopefully graduate housing with a studio apartment...

Notwithstanding, I'm still happy and consider myself blessed to be able to live where I am. At least, my heater's warm, and I don't have roommates who refuse (or pretend to not remember, or maybe genuinely forget--always give benefit of the doubt la-hor?) to wash the glasses in the sink. Speaking of heater, the weather's really getting harsh. The temperature's been dipping A LOT, to almost 0 degrees celsius! I'm starting to wear my down feather coat already. The one that makes me look like an Eskimo. Haha, the hyena fur gets into my eyes and the hood affects my peripheral vision (I really look like a duck when I try to look around before I cross the street lol), but it really keeps me warm. I'm so not looking forward to the Winter!! It's only Fall and it's so cold...I don't even think muggers would want to come out and mug people, unless they are absolutely desperate. I might need to get a pair of boots lined with fleece inside...excuse to shop heh. 

Okay, I'm losing my writer's flow. Gotta stop. Period.