Feel like a fool again. Why can't I get it right? It seems that I always leave each conversation totally embarrassing myself. It's not as if I'm a poor communicator,...or am I? Maybe because I'm just saying things out of politeness. So I start a call by apologising for disturbing someone, and that someone says that he or she is doing something halfway, but I just fill in the awkward silence that follows by droning on and on. Oh man, am I freakish or just pure irritating? Morale is low. Think I'm driving that person further and further away. Why am I trying so hard? Because I want to; because I should. I'm paying for my past indifference and cavalier attitude. Maybe I should just cut the politeness and just be frank--I'm calling because I want to; not to keep tabs on that someone, or check if he or she has had a bad fall. And when I say "I shan't disturb then" and offer to put down the phone, I should stick by the NIKE motto: JUST DO IT!

Worst thing is my lack lustre "humour" or rather my futile attempts at humour just fall flat and become perceived as sarcasm. I guess it's not amusing. Probably thinks I'm insensitive by cracking such "jokes". Coupled with the irritation for prolonging that meaningless and dull conversation, I think a conditioning process is going to take place--whenever the phone call comes at this particular time, whenever this particular voice is heard, whenever the same line is repeated, that person's going to feel that deep sense of dread--when is she going to put down the phone? Why is she calling again? Doesn't she get it? I'm embarrassed. But come to think of it, I quite amused at myself. I've got to laugh at myself, so I won't cry over it. I've got to denigrate myself right now, so I know I need to change. I don't like the situation I'm in (regression to an estranged kind of relationship), but I got to live with it and slowly reconstruct the whole thing again. Uncertain of the results? Again just stick to NIKE's mantra, and everything will be "BY GOD'S GRACE".

(Selah) God is a good God! He is awesome. I need Him. Praise the Lord. You won't leave us in a lurch. You deserve all glory, power and praise. There is none like You. Thank you for saving me and setting me free from the bondage of sin. I know I'm unworthy but You love me nonetheless. How could I live without You? Lord, You are beautiful beyond description, and Your love is so deep beyond comprehension. (Feel so much better now. Selah is so affirming of His grace and mercies, and His promises) He will never leave me nor forsake me. I'm not alone. God help me! Help me to remember that I'm precious and valuable in Your sight. And that's all that matters. Thank You. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." (Ephesians 6:10)

~lene

[Written on 16 May, 2321hrs]