Now for today's entry:
Office was very quiet today...Siberia was empty ("Siberia" is the part of the office where the newer psychs are situated, segregated and castaway from the main PPSD Office). My neighbours, both left and right, went to HK for a short trip. My other fellow Siberian was out after lunch conducting a course. So I was the only one left "stranded" in Siberia. Was kind of nice and peaceful though. I quite like the feeling of isolation, though I do get quite bored. There were occasional vistors like my boss and one or two colleagues. Other than that, all was calm and peaceful.
My project is firming up now. Clearer of what I have to do. Though after listening to what boss said, I know people within the organisation may not value this project so much and see it as "extra work", but I know it will make a difference to the jobs of some officers as well as the people that they will handle. My project has a new name!!! It's called the "AVP". It's a cool name isn't it? Feel a sense of ownership. Hope it can take flight and become my niche. Will really help in my pursuance of a clinical psych degree. Praise God!
Looked forward to the shopping after work. Didn't start of very smoothly but it turned out pretty well, from my perspective then. But guess not so much now. I enjoyed myself, but the other party didn't, and it was b'cos of me...Though the other person didn't complain (in fact the person accepted my behaviour and went along patiently), but knowing the fact that he/she didn't enjoy him/herself just makes me feel lousy. I really didn't mean to make it so miserable for him/her. Perhaps I'm just a bad shopping 'kaki'. I really don't try to act like a fashionista, but I'm just more careful when it comes to clothes selection for stuff that I'm not extremely good at telling whether they are truly nice or not. Felt defeated upon hearing that. Think that person will probably want not to share his/her shopping experience with me anymore...:(
Didn't like that rotten feeling in me...so I wanted to 'cheong' to nurse my wounds by confiding in my blog, but something cropped up that I had to do and that kept my mind of things. Still palliative in that sense. As I slowly did my thing, I reflected and got better. I want to be resilient. Didn't feel good just now, but so what? My self esteem needs to bounce back and I need to remember that I don't have to try so hard to please someone else. I'm not saying that I don't have to, but rather I don't need to feel so dejected even if I didn't manage to please that person. I wasn't out to displease that person, just inadvertently stepped on his/her toes. I apologised and I have to forgive myself as much as the person didn't hold it against me.
Many people often worry about what others would perceive of them. And sometimes it matters so much to a person that the person gets so upset and pessimistic. The person ends up wallowing in self-pity--"Oh I'm so lousy, he/she wouldn't want to go out with me anymore!" I sank into that trap just now, but I came out of it. I don't want to dwell in those negative thoughts. I want to think positive--"Here's room for me to improve and become a better person." And I see God really providing room for me to become a better person. I see so many challenges and subsequent victories. As long as I yield myself to Him and humble myself, I score!
Dear God, help me always to focus on You, especially when negative thoughts swarm my mind and overwhelm my self esteem. Let me always remember that Christ died on the cross for me. I'm worthy of His love; He couldn't have died for someone unvaluable. Help me to humble myself, yet be confident of my own self-worth. Let me live to please You, and be a workman approved in Your sight. Thank you Lord. I love You and I surrender my all to You. Amen.
~lene
[Written on 18 May, 0134hrs]
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