There will be days when you feel high and perky, but of course days when you just feel down in the dumps--and that's what I'm feeling right now. It's just another one of those days that usually never come very frequently, except during certain periods of my life like my honours thesis year (one of the darkest moments in my life), rumour-mongering amongst my friends during my secondary school days, and my first serious break-up with the Ex. And I hope this period won't dip to that degree. Life feels somewhat empty now, and happy things don't get me to that usual high I normally would experience. I won't say I'm going through depression cos' I'm totally in control of how I feel. Moreover, I know what cognitive distortions are, and I'm fully aware that I don't have any. Besides, I'm still very hopeful about very many things. But I just feel brokenness.

Feelings are a gift from God. Feelings of joy, happiness, thanksgiving, contentment, excitement, surprise, etc. These are wonderful feelings. But emotions can be negative--hurt, pain, disgust, anger, grief, loss, helplessness,...the list goes on. Why do we experience such unpleasant feelings? Are emotions, like what some psychologists posit, just a byproduct of bodily states or behaviour? Or perhaps like what other psychologists propose, that they are just cognitive appraisals of situations revolving us? Whatever they are, why did God create them? Someone said that emotions are designed to mobilise us to act; that's why it's e-motion. We have thousands of thoughts each day, and those that are accompanied by emotions lead to action. If you monitor closely, you'll realise that an EVENT--> INTERPRETATION--> EMOTION--> ACTION.

Then why did God create negative emotions? Nothing fashioned by God is evil in itself. It's an error to identify evil with things He created rather than the misuse of these things. Good things can become a curse when used inappropriately--like how too much chocolate can lead to diabetes...well you can eat less and share the rest with your sweetheart. So that means that if we can perceive things or view things as God would, maybe we can interpret events in a way that generates emotions that would be appropriate for that particular situation. Unfortunately, we're not God. We are mere humans. We often interpret situations with thinking that reflects worldly rather than Christ-centred thinking. A classic example is how Peter saw the wind, became afraid, began to sink, and cried out to the Lord for help. Later on he was rebuked by Jesus as having "little faith".

We got to learn to manage our emotions in a healthy manner. As Christians, we got to identify our negative emotions, why we are experiencing them, and make evaluations of our interpretations that led to those emotions. Challenge wordly beliefs that have led to those faulty interpretations, and turn to God in prayer to help you with that. There'll be times when negative emotions serve a proper function, that is, to propel us to act in certain ways like confronting a friend in love for a sin committed against you. As Christians, we need to be able to tame our emotions and not let them spiral out of our control and lead to devastating outcomes. That can only be accomplished through divine intervention, and not our own might.

Writing this journal entry has been palliative. I feel much better now. Though I'm still feeling that the situation is beyond my locus of control, I'm much more confident that God holds MY tomorrow and I needn't fear any dire consequences as long as I cling onto that cross as tight as I can. Reflecting on the above is indeed soothing. Phew, thank God! I was feeling broken cos' I felt a sense of detachment being imposed on me. I asked why and I didn't get any answer--to be fair I said I didn't need one. But in my heart of hearts I somehow knew why, and I was hurt, but I also knew it's largely my own doing. I gotta live on and not dwell on the have-nots but thank God I have Him who will never detach from me. I'm putting my faith, hope, love, trust, EVERYTHING, in Him and Him alone! Amen!

~lene

[Written on 15 May, 0003hrs]